From seven digits to two.

Do you like the NEW LOOK of the blog? I took some times and pared it down, and brightened it up. I even changed my tag lines. I don't know WHY, really. I'm sure most people read via RSS, but I always like going directly to blogs when I can, because how they look is such a good reflection of the person oftentimes.

Also, it is a bit of a theme around these parts right now - change change change. Out with old. In with new attitudes, though not necessarily new stuff. That said, I DID score some $500 Marc Jacobs mary janes for $75 today, and we got new shower curtains for the bath, so I guess there are SOME new things. The house is being scrubbed and rearranged; we've washed almost everything in the house that CAN be washed; and we've gone back to our hippie, largely vegetarian, cheap way of living. We're cleaning out the fridge by eating everything. With the exception of buying some veggies last week, we haven't been grocery shopping since Fanny left, I don't think. Oh, I guess we bought some pita yesterday.

I feel it in my body and mind too - I'm drinking far less alcohol than usual; eating more probiotics; resting better; feeling a bit anti-social (though not entirely); sleeping better; and my mind is generally quieter (though, again, not entirely). These are all good things - I'm focusing on re-connecting with my creative and deliberate self, rather than my reactive self.

I was listening to a fascinating Radio Lab a couple days ago - I love that show - and they were describing an experiment in which two different groups of people were given numbers to memorize: one group was given a two digit number, and one was given a seven digit number. After they gave them some time to memorize it, they brought them into a room and asked them if they would like a fruit salad or a slice of chocolate cake before they recited the number.

By a huge margin, the people who had a two digit number chose the fruit salad, while the people who had the bigger number to memorize chose the cake. What they believe this shows is that the REASON part of our brain can only concentrate on so much, in a way. So people who only had the two digit number were able to rationalize internally: I'll have fruit salad because it is better for me, healthy, etc. But people who were busy concentrating on the BIGGER number gave an EMOTIONAL reaction - I want cake because it is so tasty. That is to say, the rational part of the brain can, maybe, only concentrate on so many things. Eventually it capitulates in some way to the emotional, non-rational part of the brain.

That's the idea - I didn't hear the whole show so I don't know where that was going. But I felt like I was hearing the story of the past couple years of my life. Between moving and working on the house and looking for jobs and getting married and learning marriage with David and being a "parent" and starting a new job and moving again and having lots of guests and making new friends and travelling and and and

I totally didn't have room to concentrate on myself. And that has led to a lot of emotion-driven rationalizations.  I'll skip exercising because I'm tired. I'll go to Double Wide to hang out with David instead of knitting because I never get to see him. I'll have these extra couple drinks out because I deserve them.

All of this, despite the fact that - for example - I know I feel better & more energetic when I exercise regularly. I am married to David, so it isn't like I'm not going to see him later. And I deserve the drinks, sure, but that's just sort of fucking around time I could be using for something else - even if that something else is a couple significantly cheaper glasses of wine at home while drawing.  And this has all left me disconnected from myself mentally, as well as the least physically healthy I have ever been.

It's like my brain had room for seven digits, and none of those digits was me and what makes ME happy, and I just made impetuous, emotional decisions ignoring my own health, happiness, and well-being because I simply DIDN'T HAVE THE MENTAL SPACE FOR MYSELF.

Well, I'm not going to do that anymore. Not as habit, anyway. I've learned my lesson.

I am quiet and clean. I'm listening to the cicadas outside and I can smell the laundry that is almost finished. I can feel the muscles in my back from the watering and gardening.

I am reconnected and self-reflective at the moment, and that's a really good thing.

Comments

[courtney]

I like this post. I like your blog's new 'do. I like the photo of davey on a mechanical bull that I can see in your flickr sidebar.

But I'm pretty sure I'd be the two-digit person that still chose cake. :)

[ashbloem]

Thanks Court.

Despite the fact I have ignored myself the past couple years, I'm really glad part of that energy went to meeting you.

[lauren ahkiam]

och! such a good writer!