Ashbloemstraat

I actually watched the Oscars!

OK, I'm just going to come right out and say it: I LIKED ZOE SALDANA'S DRESS.

Clearly I am no fashion blogger and this is the first year I have watched the Oscars since, like, GHOST won the 1990 best picture and proved beyond a shadow of a doubt the Academy doesn't even take itself seriously, so I haven't been keeping track of the red carpet couture in past years, and all the dresses this year generally were exceptionally lovely - but they DID all seem sort of SAMEY. So though Zoe may be delegated to all the "Worst Dressed" lists this morning, I salute her for trying to do something a little different. Same to Vera Farmiga. Oh and also Diane Kruger in Chanel. I loved all the oddballs.

I had a great weekend. How about yours?

Personal war path.

Today I drove up to Oklahoma City, had two meetings, then drove back down. I had the theme to Inglourious Basterds in my head the whole time.

I have had a shitty couple of days, my friends. I had a doctor appointment that brought me to tears, for several reasons. Mostly I have just been under a lot of stress, which has never effected me like this before. Hell, I barely used to get very stressed before a couple years ago. You would not have thought I just had almost a week off! Even my doctor was alarmed.

I enjoy what I do generally, but, frankly, I need to redefine my relationship with it or I might lose it. And by lose it, I mean that both mentally and job-wise. And goodness knows I can't lose the job nor spare any sane faculties. 

So the drive was good for a lot of thinking and alone time, which I have also not had much of since David lost his job. Perhaps the theme for IB kept going through my head because I am determined to rewrite the book that I am involuntarily writing for myself now. I'm the anti-historical director of my own script. I'm Aldo Raine, and I've been chewed out before. I'm going to kill me some natzis. And by natzis, I mean my own personal natzis.

Whatever it may be, I am not going to work this weekend. Not one iota. Hell, I'll be working all next weekend in Los Angeles anyway, so might as well take this one for meself.

Another item on my 101 in 1001 list: See all Leonard Maltin's 151 Best Movies You've Never Seen. So right now I am going to start adding some items to Netflix. Then I'm grabbing a book and going to bed. Good night, sweet friends. Good night.

And now, moving on with real life.

Well, we are back, and this weekend I will upload all the photos and share with everyone. We had a really lovely, relaxing time, which is exactly what we both needed. Lots of lolling in the sun with drinks, dips in the ocean, and warm evening baths in our enormous tub - punctuated by some snorkeling, ocean kayaking, exploration of the town, and a visit to the ruins in Tulum. I read TWO BOOKS! Everything is Illuminated, finally, which made me laugh and cry; and The Fencing Master, which was just easy-breezy beach fare. Oh and some of Markings. David and I really reveled in each others' company and it was just really practically perfect.

I don't consider myself an "all-inclusive travel" kind of person - after years in the travel industry I'm pretty independent and generally like to be on the move - but I have to say it was better than I ever used to think those places are. When we booked it right after Christmas I was just so burnt out from work and the holidays and I could only concentrate on finding a sunny spot out of the US - past that I didn't really have the energy to do more. And honestly, the price could not be beat. So it really fit the bill for that moment. We didn't have to do anything but enjoy the sun and each other. I doubt we'll be taking a whole lot of these kind of vacations in our lives, but it was a fun stab at something new!

And now that we're back, I can start focusing on Egypt. Woo fucking hoo! Lots of Cairo, some Nile cruising, some pyramids... PETRA, I hope. We'll see what we can afford.

I can also start on my 101 things to do in 1001 days. There are some ongoing ones that I will talk about in other entries, but there are four that are specific to March. Those are as follows:

Bake our own bread for the month of March.

Pick up and shell whatever pecans are still left in the yard by March 15.

Track gym attendance and time for March to look for improvement areas.

Do not drink for the rest of the month.

Clearly I've gotten a late start on them, what will just getting back Monday and having a couple days of mad catch-up for work, but it's only the third so I think I can manage these. The baking bread one I'm very excited about because we've been talking about making that switch for a while. There might not be much left in the way of pecans at this stage so that will probably just take an hour or so. And the gym tracking and non-drinking need no explanation.

So wish me luck people. Trip planning, book reading, list check-off-ing.... when will I have time to work?

P.S. Thanks for the reading suggestions! David & I talked about implementing some of that now that we are back. I also really liked this article: http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/morebooks

Shameful.

I can't tell you how long it has been since I finished a book. Oh, I've started lots, but they fall by the wayside as life takes over.

I remember very clearly as a young person being mortified at how little my mom read, citing how busy she was (mind you as well, she was a single mother, so she was!). I could not imagine how one could be too busy to READ. Hell, I tore through books by the day sometimes back then, depending on what I was reading.

Now here I am, working my ass off, and far too tired to get through more than a few pages at a time. Which in turn means I don't get into a book as quickly. Which in turn means I abandon it.

So I've gotten very good at reading books of essays, or quirky facts, or just non-fiction generally, because it is a bit easier to drop in and out of. Fact, my friends, are simple to snap up in a few ten minutes a day. Getting into a story? Not so much. Not for me, anyway.

It's also changed everything to live with another person, and have the television or music on (I can't read & have a TV or music or anything on at the same time), and it simply not be in my control to read when I want to.

And I miss it.

I'm creating a little plan for myself to get back into a regular reading schedule over the next few months. In the meantime, I'm really excited to take two or three books to Mexico and not have to do anything but lay in the sun and read them. Hopefully it will revive the reading part of my brain.

Does anyone else hate that they read less as they've grown older? Or, if you don't read less, how do you best make the time for it? I'd love some suggestions as I formulate my own reading strategy. And what are the best books you've read in the past year? Fiction or non? I might just need some good recommendations to get me excited again.

Messsiko

Ah, my friends. In five short days I'll be in Mexico. Mexico! So close, yet I haven't been there in a billion. I think the last time I was in Mexico was in tenth grade and I went with a school trip to Mexico City, Cuernavaca, and Acapulco. That was a fun trip, but given my shitty memory it has faded into just a general recollection of soft colors and watersports.

And David and I have never had a proper BEACH vacation. We're city travellers, generally. So this is new and different.

Anyway, what else? WHADDADO, EVERYBODY. I just had dinner with an old old old friend Katie, with whom I worked in Boston, Amsterdam, and London. Seeing her was just the same - like no time had passed.

We're babysitting Leslee & Josh's kitten and he's having a hell of a time playing with our kitties. It's non-stop entertainment over here.

After March 15 I won't have to travel for work unless I want to. Which probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but what I mean is that I'll have choices. And if that choice is to stay in and watch Netflix all weekend, that's what I will do. I NEED some weekends.

I don't want Mexico to end too fast, but I'm sort of excited to get back and plan our trip to Egypt. If there is any possible way for me to get a flight to Jordan and see Petra I'm going to do it. I'll sell whatever I have to and take unpaid days off. PETRA, PEOPLE.

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant, and there was some sort of pee test I kept taking that would show me the sex of the baby, and it kept coming up as a girl and I was getting really mad about that and demanding a new test.

New start; fresh beginnings.

Well, mercury retrograde went out with a bang by really bringing out the crazy and David lost his job at Double Wide. It is really fucked up and most of you probably know the story anyway. For those who may not, it really just boils down to the fact that the owner is bat-shit crazy. Mind you, I've always really liked Kim and never had a problem with her until this. She is cu-koo but it has always been in a pretty fun way. At the same time, one can always sense she is someone for whom you wouldn't want to be on her bad side. Problem is - she just gets a wild hair about something and suddenly out of the blue you ARE on her bad side.

She does not run the bar like a business, and makes everything personal, so instead of just letting someone go (like a normal, sane, business owner), she decided to make it a big drama and hurtful (and, as an added measure, about me too - WTF??). So David's been inconsolable for a couple weeks now (much better this week though) and I've just been pissed off that someone so obviously unstable is even allowed to run a business...

But whatever. It's done, and frankly, so much the better. David hasn't been given a paycheck since last February (I know it's a measly 2.13/hour but come on - I still have to file taxes), he never knew if he was going to piss her off so was anxious all the time, and the bar has gotten considerably shittier the past year anyway. I can count on one hand how many decent bands they have had in 2009. Despite the wonderful memories of our wedding, I'd grown pretty weary of the place and hadn't been much since summer. And I have to say, this aside, I feel like that place is headed towards something really bad. It's just a gut feeling. So despite all the shitty shit, I'm really so relieved David isn't there anymore. 

It's kind of sad for Dallas though.

Plus, it is time for him not to bartend anymore! He's gone back to school and this is a good thing for him. We'll miss the money this month, but he'll get something part-time when we get back from Mexico and it will all be fine. In fact, better than fine. GOOD. GREAT.

In addition, we might move to Oklahoma City or Little Rock. I'll just let that sink in for a while.

And we're going to Egypt in December! I am so excited.

I feel like I have all kinds of things to share, and how I've started a list of 101 things I want to accomplish in 1001 days, and I feel it is a fresh new start, and I'm all excited for the future, even if right now we're still nursing some wounds. We're nice people and didn't really deserve it, but I believe karma is a bitch, and Double Wide and those involved sadly, do not have happy times ahead of them. 

Less mercurial, please.

Right now I am in a hotel in Tulsa. It is very quiet, tucked away off 169 near Broken Arrow. It is situated near a lot of retail including a Target, and yesterday when I went over to get some toothpaste I found these pajamas on sale for $10 and they made me smile a bit, for which I had been sadly wanting since late Tuesday:

He seems a such jolly little elf despite the dumb hat, hanging around on a bright pink background. And, you know, there are more of them spotted around doing the same - mushroom harvesting - and a few have sleds, which leads me to think the pink polka dots are stylized snowfall. It's also 8 degrees and snow-covered here in Tulsa, so their cheery faces and cozy flannel landscape seemed appropriate. 

I started the new year off so thoughtful, happy, and hopeful, and I don't know what happened in the past few days but it really took the shine off. So in addition to feeling a little bit of a target for unknowable reasons, I also feel neither thoughtful nor happy nor hopeful. I also feel a bit uncharitable towards some folk, and less in love with others. In short: the only thing I am happy about right now are these pajamas in this hotel room, which is blissfully populated only by yours truly. I would really like to stay here the whole week.

As a skeptic, I'm not so into the astrology thing, as you can probably well imagine. However, it is interesting how it really seems to speak to something every now and again, and more than one person mentioned Mercury retrograde so I had to read about it a little more, and I found this here little snippet on a new agey site whose link I'm happy to forward if you like but I'm not going to bother linking for now because I am lazy:

Because Mercury itself rules how we think, we will be adjusting everything related to thoughts, concepts, ideas, and communication, especially how technology and material elements play a part in the physical manifestation of ideas. When Mercury retrogrades, we find that many parts of our life are being revised. Often these revisions can be a surprise or throw us back a step. However, these revisions which occur during a Mercury retrograde, are a "course correction" and provide a stop gap measure until we can review situations. During this time of revision, change is compounded and confusion is created by our reactions to the ever-changing situations. Thus anything started during this time will ultimately be taken back or even revised further, making for a high-frustration time. This will be especially true with changing our minds, reviewing new ideas and our communication being improved and honed so not to be mis-understood.

Which, you know, is mostly a bunch of drivel, BUT BUT BUT this exactly what has been happening the past few days. Bad technological communication! Adjusting thoughts! Misunderstandings! Craziness! Spooky, scary! Boys becoming men! Men becoming wolves!

Ah hum. Sorry, just switched to 30 Rock.

So although I cannot say the above is anything but hooey, I think I will follow the website's direction:

The best mode to be in during a Mercury retrograde is one of "non-reaction", and with earth signs being impacted, physical environment will be changing continually during a Mercury retrograde. Treat the time period as a time of gathering information, yet because the information will be in constant change it would be like trying to comb your hair in a wind storm. Best to wait until the changes stop before attempting to make things orderly. Therefore, just let the winds of situations blow around you without reacting. Once Mercury turns direct, take a look at the information that is still around at that time and go about putting everything in order, while maintaining the fine art of flexibility.

Which means I'll just be waiting until January 15 to communicate much with anyone since apparently that's when Mercury stops fucking around. Don't want anyone taking anything I say wrong and feeling insulted, or acting superior, or causing me to feel shitty and stupid, or like my marriage is useless. I'll just sit here and let shit happen around me, and get back to thoughtful, happy, and hopeful as soon as possible.

LEMON OUT!

Happy new year.

2007 was, by far, one of (if not THE) the worst years I ever had, so when I say 2009 wasn't a favorite please do keep in mind that compared to '07 it was a veritable non-stop fiesta with continuously flowing bubbly. Of course, it wasn't terrible, and when I say it was not a favorite we might as well all say in unison "FROM ONE PRIVILEGED WITH HEALTH AND LOVE AND A HOME AND JOB ETC ETC". I am a lucky woman in many respects, and when I say "good riddance, two-t'ousand noin" (because I like talking to myself in a fake Irish accent sometimes) I know that it could have been much much much worse (see: 2007).

The last year was not a favorite because I lost and found my joys so many times over that I forgot what I lost and then found again. And then lost. And then I was just dazed and confused all the time.

Somewhere between the time I lost the camera and new year's day I suddenly became a grown up. This is not to say I didn't do quite well for myself before, nor that I'll never make an immature mistake again, but I suddenly feel quite near my age - nearly 36 - and while that is not old (NOT!), the fact of the matter remains is that I hover somewhere near the middle of my life. That's right. Barring tragedy, my life is naturally almost half over.

I say this not to be morbid or annoying - there is nothing I hate more than when people turn fucking 30 and cry "AH'M SO OLD". I don't feel old. I think I'll probably still make some stupid mistakes. But I have to tell you - I recently awoke one morning and it was like I could hear the clock tick-tocking, and I could only set my jaw resolutely and say, "So here we are then, you and I". 

I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker

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We've rearranged the living and dining rooms and it is starting to feel like a fresh start, which I seem to need, over and over and over again. I know I want to remain here until the end of our time in Dallas, whenever that may be, so the new year seemed as good a time as any to set it up the way we want; to start life anew. Anew. Anew from what, exactly? How many times do I need to start anew to be happy? I guess we'll find out when that Footman tugs at my coat - put the final tally on my headstone, please.

Resolutions come and go easily, but if I was to encapsulate what I hope for the new year, it would be as Alain de Botton wrote on his Twitter account:

Goals for 2010: Concentration, humour, friendship, ambition, courage, good cheer. An end to: paranoia, timidity, self-pity, evil, resentment.

All things on which I need work, and I intend to work hard. There are the normal hopes for change in routine, for the twice more a week at the gym than I currently do, the biking more in bad weather, the more regular writing. But I think - I am quite sure, in fact - that if I concentrate on the goals he set above, the rest will follow. The good will engender all sorts of energy; the avoidance of the negatives will leave more space for that energy to fill in positive and creative and - dare I say - more ambitious ways.

A somewhat funny but current struggle is how I personally will deal with the cloying ubiquity of Facebook. I have to say, I get on it as much as the next person, but I really am starting to dislike its insistence. It is driving me mad hanging onto my trouser legs, demanding attention and replies. And not nice replies either, like our blogs in the old days used to have. Just.... filler. Or its users taking things on it too seriously. Trying to write something nice or honest or creative or just plain casual on Facebook is like trying to give a thoughtful performance of Hamlet's soliloquy in the midst of a of a WWE match.

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I've said it before as well, but I do, in all seriousness, think this is the year to decide about this blog. To be honest, I'm not sure why I do it anymore. I used to do it for the small community we built, but with Brandon gone, Kat not blogging, Neil branding, and, well, everyone else dissipated to the ether, it just is not the same. I write because I like to write, I suppose, but I am not sure what the forum or message should be anymore. And if the only forum is a few real life friends (which is extremely appreciated and valued) then maybe it is time to turn to an email update, or a new way of communicating that isn't Facebook. Perhaps... THE PHONE?

Maybe after six years of blogging I am simply bored with it. I read some blogs and they are so obvious; there is little genuine and creative. The mommy blogs all strive to be Dooce, the politicals Andrew Sullivan, etc. etc. There is a huge roar and din that cancel each other out and leave, to me, a great internet nothingness. Visual white noise; black characters lazing in rows across the screen.

In fact, the only thing I use the internet for, really (except work and news, of course), is humor. And this is why I like Twitter so so much. I sign up for someone funny. I get tweets throughout the day of cheerful little nuggets that make me chuckle, often when I need it most, unbeknownst to the Tweeter. Then it is over. No stupid comments; no copycat blogging. DONE. I love it.

More goals for 2010: Do something good every day. Challenge myself. Stop being a financial idiot. Back to yoga.

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Lastly, I suppose I have to face, with great sadness, the fact that my Amsterdam life as I knew it is genuinely over. The friends remain, but with me, they've all grown older and calmer. Some stop drinking, some are pregnant. The ex has a new girlfriend, and while we both are cordial and happy for each other, the friendship seemed to finally, naturally, and with positive energy, dissipate. The visits are now no longer the old crew out en masse and screaming "KOM OP!", but rather me visiting loved ones one by one, and reminiscing about the crazy kids we used to be; the kids that no longer are. Again, still lovely and valid, but an end nevertheless.

So this may finally be the year that the annual Amsterdam trip is packed quite lovingly away, and David and I do something just for ourselves, or with other friends also due their one on one time. Of course I will be back, of course of course. But never again in the same way. Because it will never again be the same.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!

Everything so old and new at the same time. It's a strange feeling. Mostly good, not entirely not bad. One I have never had before.

**************************************

So with the decade past I bid goodbye to those memorable times, to Amsterdam, the pinnacle of my youth, and the blogs that helped me through the latter part of it. I hope moving forward we - but mostly I - can learn to use the internet well and kindly, not to mention the consideration and love I hope to put in my every day, real life. 

In closing: I bought myself a new (used) Canon Rebel to replace the old. It isn't as nice as the old one, but it didn't cost as much. I decided to start the year being nice to myself, because I don't always need to be as mean to me as I am. And like Annie said - everyone deserves a new toy sometimes.

Nutcracker

Thanks, Annie!

Notes to self.

Idea: Backpacks for cats. Velcro closures for quick removal.

Also: Dog blinders.

Suggestion: Might like Clydesdale as next pet instead of traditional cat or dog.

One Art / Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident

the art of losing's not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Confused.

I haven't been this tired in some time.

Somehow an argument has sprouted between David & I versus an old friend of his. One I admire greatly, by the way, and I know he does too.

It's like being in kindergarten. All kinds of "unfriending" drama on Facebook and not answering phone calls. Frankly, it happening the same day that I found out about Jenny? EXHAUSTING. Can we not fucking talk like a grown up? Like people who are happy each other are ALIVE?? I don't want to deal with both at the same time.

No. Apparently not.

I hate fights. HATE. FIGHTS. When David & I have arguments I absolutely shut down. I just can't take that sort of anger. I don't think it's particularly healthy to shut down like that, but.... i just can't do it. I don't like to think people can be that vitriolic towards each other. I'm deeply disturbed by it.

Anyway. To my knowledge no one has ever been this mad at me. Part of me says FUCK IT, the other part is deeply upset.

It's times like this i miss my friends from Wellesley, Amsterdam, etc. If we were pissed back in those days, we'd just say "Hey. You really hurt my feelings then, " and then the other person would say "Well I don't think you should be hurt because blah". And then we'd figure it out and TAH-DAH! We'd be fine in the end.

Josh and Jeremy and I get into spats and we always come out the other side better.

I miss Annie and Nora and Grady and all those girls beyond any description. Johan Tom and I could always come out the other side of an argument better. I miss all of them so. hard.

So tired.

the wishing tree, heaney

I thought of her as the wishing tree that died 

And saw it lifted, root and branch, to heaven,

Trailing a shower of all that had been driven 

Need by need by need into its hale

Sap-wood and bark: coin and pin and nail

Came streaming from it like a comet-tail

New-minted and dissolved. I had a vision

Of an airy branch-head rising through damp cloud, 

Of turned-up faces where the tree had stood. 

              

To be continued, perhaps.

My brain is reeling at the moment. What a day.

We've got a friend who has decided we aren't friends anymore - a friend who was in our wedding party, and whose creative talent I have bragged about online. That's been bewildering.

But then I found out a friend from my high school class died. We had a class of about 25, so we all know each other pretty well. Too close. I'm so so so heartsick about this.

I don't even know that I can really write about this now, actually. I might come back to it, if I can.