Ashbloemstraat

Struggles.

I really need to pull my shit together.

I am chronically tired. I have been terrible about taking care of myself. I am not getting enough sleep. I've had this damn cough for a month (though it is much much better). I am not exercising. I barely remember to wash my face or brush my teeth at night.

I feel like I do not have enough time with my husband. I thought I would like him working on Friday and Saturday nights but I don't (I mean, the money is nice, but that's about it). It means he isn't free on nights I am free, and then because he comes home at 5 he sleeps all day so I don't see him then either. And it means I can't work on our bedroom, which is the last room to be unpacked and organized because I don't want to bother him. I liked our routine so much better in Boston.

I haven't taken many photos and I have not practiced my painting. Or knitting. Or anything I enjoy doing really. Except cooking - I have made some awesome stocks the past couple days with our new pressure cooker, so that's good.

Yesterday at work I started feeling panicky. Like really having a hard time breathing and getting tunnel vision. I managed a line about a doctor appointment and headed home early. I really was not sure I was going to make it though. I probably should not have been driving. But I also really cannot let how I am feeling now effect my professionalism, and it did yesterday. I came home and had a cry in David's neck and made a pork stock with some old bones we had and I felt a bit more grounded.

I'm sorry I'm being a complainer. I know this is ALL stuff within my control so I really don't deserve any sympathy. I know I do better with a routine and regular exercise and doing something creative and I have not just sat down and figured out what that routine should be. I haven't had much time to myself. I love the girls but I am not sure I like being a parent. I love my husband but sometimes it is hard to be a wife.

Work has been sort of so-so the past couple of weeks as well. I really like my new job, but I am sort of straddling my old & new positions until they get someone new in, and that makes it hard to feel I am fully present and thorough in either one. It won't be much longer, so I am not stressed about it. It is just sort of adding to the low-self-esteem malaise.

All this means I have pretty much decided to not partake in Thanksgiving. I need some space. Desperately. I will really miss being with David, but we were going to spend Thanksgiving separate anyway. My mom is going to be upset. She said the other day "I really wish you wouldn't because that's the only day of the year we all [meaning her brother & my aunt & cousins] get together." But you know what? We all live in the same damn place. We could all see each other a lot more if anyone cared enough to put the effort into it, but they don't. And the last time I tried I got yelled at by my sister. My sister & cousin blew off David's birthday party the other day. They could have stopped by, but they didn't. So I'm not going to Thanksgiving. Fuck it. They can make their own damn turkey.

David's family gets together every week. Maybe not everyone, but whoever can knows there is a standing invitation. We can't always go, but we try for once a month. I have never seen anyone yell or fight at these family shindigs. I'm not naive; I know all families have their fights. But it certainly seems it is less of the norm for his. Simmering tension has been the theme of every family function I can remember since my grandparents' health started disintegrating and my mom went through menopause. Christ. What a fun decade it has been. Blech.

Oh and someone stole 1200 dollars out of my bank account (I got it right back from the bank, but STILL). I am seriously hating people right now.

So there it is. 2007 still is the worst year ever, but October & November 2008 are two of the worst months I have ever had. I'm actually ready for some Christmas cheer because it means this month will be over.

No more THINGS.

Last night David & I went to the Candlelight Walk on Henderson. Some of the little shops along the way stayed open late and served wine & food to kick off the holiday shopping season. We went into a few little charming shops we had not visited before and had a few glasses of wine, and yes, even bought our first Christmas gift of the season. I also found a teak dresser I would really like for our bedroom, but decided to think about it for a few days. If it isn't there once I decide, it was not meant to be. I also got a larger-than-usual-for-me necklace at the Afghani/Turkish store. I love Middle Eastern jewelry but if one is a woman of a certain age living in Texas I think one has to be careful about wearing such things, lest one crosses into the new-age-Southern hippy look. Which has a certain charm in Austin & Santa Fe, but is certainly not my thing. Then again, I don't own any flowing floor length skirts or dresses, so I am probably ok.

We went into Milton Kent Antiques - this place was amazing! I mean, most antiques there were not of the sort that interest me, though I did see some wonderful cut glass decanters and a very impressive butcher block. However, just the jumble of traditionally pretty stuff was impressive - and even more so that the owner actually lives there! Seriously, he lives his life surrounded with these amazing things all around him all the time. I would guess he is creative as all get-out.

The only WHAT THE FUCK moment of the night was when we were in Milton Kent and - in front of the gracious and helpful gay boys who were serving wine and showing people around - some dude on the phone in the middle of the room said inappropriately loudly, "WELL I just think marriage HAS to be one man and one woman otherwise EVERYTHING IS FAIR GAME". What a fucking douche. I looked at one of the boys and said "DICK!" and he said "Can you trip him for me?". UG. I'll tell you what should be fair game is me kicking that guy in the nuts.

Fortunately everything else was so nice it didn't ruin anything, and we went home and had some cava and sex and it was a super nice evening. Mmmm. Cava and sex.

I found a few Dallas area blogs with things to do, and by bicycle enthusiasts (they DO exist here!), and they are making me feel better about being in Dallas. Also the new house helps. I have been going through a stage of thinking I can't hack another three years here, but I am starting to feel a little more connected to "the scene" - at least as an observer (which is cool with me). At least I'm starting to sense a soul to the city, faint as it is, and that really helps.

Also I signed up for the White Rock Half Marathon, which is in exactly one month. Hey Ash, have you ran at all for the past two months? No. What's the most you've ever run at once? Oh, five miles or so. Have you lost your mind? Perhaps. Mostly I just want to get out and do something, and if I have to run half/walk half than that's cool.

Today is Davey's birthday! Oh man, am I ever glad he was born. I think maybe I'd still be knitting in my old Boston apartment, cuddling with Gus if he wasn't. Then again, I WAS preparing to go teach in Asia, so maybe I'd be doing some Thai dude or lady, or combination thereof. Hard to say. Nevertheless, I'm chuffed as anything to be with him, even if it is Dallas instead of Denmark or India or something. LOVE YOU HUSBAND.

OK I said I wasn't buying anything else for the house but I bought this and I don't even care: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=17277671

That's it though. No more things. We have everything we need.

Except that teak dresser for the bedroom.

OK but THEN we have everything. Yup.

Seriously, I'm sick of buying material items (though it was understandable we needed stuff for the new place). I hate it. Back to plane tickets for me.

This is what my brain wanted to say, only it didn't know how.

Joseph Romm actually verbalizes my feelings on bailing out the auto industry:

http://www.salon.com/env/feature/2008/11/12/barack_obama_detroit/

New and improved 2009 travel plans.

Tentatively planning the following:

Amsterdam in April for Queen's Day.

Visiting friends in Sweden for a couple weeks in late summer.

Asia sometime in the cold of winter.

Yes. I like that schedule.

Thanksgiving.

My family - and by family, really I mostly mean my mom and sister - make me crazy. I love them as family, but I think it best when we see each other as little as possible. They are both incapable of rational discourse as they take EVERYTHING as a personal attack (I once tried to convince my sister to try a healthier cat food and she acted like I was accusing her of being a animal abuser... and forget inquiring as to why she won't recycle - that's guaranteed to get me a nasty comment or rolled eyes like I'm trying to tell her how to live her life). Living away for so long has helped me remove myself from the communication dysfuntion of our small family circle so I am not really capable, at this stage, of dealing with it very often.

They just fucking wear me out, to be honest. I am rarely happy or revived by visiting with my family. Which is sad, but that's how it is.

Just another reason why Dallas is definitely not a long-term plan for me. I mean, unless I want to be miserable the rest of my life.

Given all this, and the vicious way my sister treated me last night out of fucking left field, I think I may have decided to not spend Thanksgiving in Dallas. I'm still figuring out if it will work - mostly I have to have a plan for the girls - but I'd really like to spend one of my favorite holidays with some people who act like they love each other. Or, at least, act like they love ME.

At the very least, I might just stay home alone, make myself a nice pumpkin soup, go for a bike ride, and give all my loving, lovely, globally-scattered friends that I miss so much long, quality phone calls. That sounds like a pretty nice day.

Shhh.

I am home alone on a Friday night and the only thing I can think to say is: FINALLY. Also, at another time in my life I would have used this alone time to listen to some new music, but I am loving the total silence right now. Ahhh.

It is great having the girls. It is a fun adventure, and certainly not one any of our friends would begin to consider right now. I like being out of my comfort zone in a lot of ways, so I was up for the challenge. But I have to say, having this many people in my space is DEFINITELY a challenge. I just miss my alone time is all. The extra dinner guests are always fun to have. :)

Tonight I decided to just go for it and paint the bathroom. I don't know why I can't just relax these days, but so it goes. I tried to live with it and the dark color was just wearing on me. Better a weekend spent brightening it up than feeling down every time I walked in.  Anyway, the primer is on and drying so I might have to do the actual painting tomorrow.

The girls came in. I think they are tipsy. Should I care? Truth is, I don't.  As long as they aren't driving.  This probably makes me a bad mom. Then again, I'm sitting here drinking bourbon, so maybe THAT makes me a bad mom. Sigh. It's impossible to get right.

So. After calling my doctor and ASKING for antibiotics I'm finally starting to feel better. I knew I needed them all along, but I really appreciated her trying other things first and whatnot. Still, I know my body pretty well at this stage and I can't remember the last time I needed a course of antibiotics so I shouldn't have been so shy about asking for them when i knew they were what I needed. Lesson learned.

Tuesday was a crazy day. I was totally out of it; feeling bad, but I couldn't bring myself to miss the Democrat street party at Bishop Arts. Pretty burned by the Kerry-2004-Copley Square experience, but being with the girls imbued the evening with a different significance. So I went. When I heard that PA went our way, I started to relax, but once we heard about Ohio and VA I let myself get excited and into the evening. We saw David's uncle (who is the Dallas County treasurer, so he was very excited about the Democrat wins) & cousin. Ran into Leslee & Josh finally; Victoria S from the old school days; Kenley; more I can't even remember. Caught a glimpse of David's ex, who I am sort of oddly curious to meet, and it seemed an appropriately hopeful & conciliatory night to do so, but it was merely a glimpse and my energy wasn't there anyway.

When Obama gave his speech, me and the girls cried and cried. I know why they cried - they are young and hopeful and this is the first big election of their "adult" lives. I don't fully know why I cried. It isn't like he is the total solution to all problems, and I was never one of the biggest supporters. Part of it was the race thing, part of it was his youth. Some of it was that he is the first president I consider part of my generation (ok, he's 12 years older than me, but I have friends who are almost that). And some of it was that the promise is almost more than I can handle - I almost feel preemptively mournful for the disappointments sure to follow. And over it all, the Kennedy-esque quality to everything gave me chills. Excited for the promise, but intensely fearful for the tragedies.

I am probably over-thinking ALL OF IT. ILLNESS GO AWAY.

Work is good right now. I almost can't believe I have a job I like.

I bought another Dyson. I realized that the thieves probably also stole one of my ukuleles. I have another, but it was my favorite. I bought it in Honolulu, and it had a nicer feel to it than my German one. Guess I'll just have to go back to Hawaii. Still, made me sad. Also I thought buying a new Dyson would make me forget about the other one but it just made me angry that' I've spent so much damn money on VACUUM CLEANERS this year.

Then again, what good is a big pay raise if I don't use it to contribute to the economy? CAN I GET A WHAT WHAT.

Hey, so, speaking of economics - any economists out there? I really do NOT understand the concept of the government giving auto companies funds (not that I think they will, but I'm talking concepts here). Banks, I get. But shouldn't some companies just... you know... fail sometimes? Enron did it. Hmm. Should ask my HBS economist friend.

Now that the girls are here, I put on music. Finally listening to the newest Conor Oberst. I like it. I had heard a couple songs, but hadn't had a chance to listen to the whole thing.

Still, I liked it when I was alone and it was quiet. Sigh.

I'm so fucking tired.

I liked it when Brandon visited. It reminded me of when I was alone and Bostonian and had brighter skin. When I wrote more poetry. When I was drunker and more lost.

My husband has helped me find myself. For the most part, this is a good thing and I wouldn't go back.

The flipside? Unfortunately, now sometimes I find myself insufferably boring.

Pictures from the past ten days or so.

I WANT.

http://www.opulentitems.com/Ane_p_35-233.html

Anyone have an extra 2k lying around I can just, you know, HAVE?

That said, I probably have better things to do with the money. Sigh.

I can see the Obama victory from my house.

To be honest, I'm almost paralyzed by this. I'm not sure what to say yet. I have been cynical and angry with our government and people so long I can hardly believe that things have changed dramatically. I was not able to wake up this morning and be joyous and hopeful, sure of a brighter day and better future. I am getting there again - I think - but the distrust is ever so hard to scrub away. And too much has happened - there is so much to be done to fix the damage that has been wrought.

And hey. I've always been a Kucinich girl anyway.

But last night at the Democrat street party in Bishop Arts (more on that later) I did let myself float away on it all - well, just as soon as the news came through that Obama took Ohio. Then we knew this thing was really going to happen.

And then I cried. Finally so fucking proud that we, as a nation, have moved beyond the Civil War and elected our FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT. It was like a wall had been knocked down. I thought back on the entrenched racism of my cotton-picker grandparents (rest their souls), and how, growing up, I used to bash my head against it and despair that people could really think differently of others because they happen to have more or less melanin. How such a thing as this election hardly seemed possible even a mere 25 years ago.

Yay for us. Finally.

I am frustrated about California's Prop 8, though. Shame on you, California. I expected better. So many of us expected better.

However - I truly believe that by virtue of the fact we just elected Obama, the breaking of the marriage barrier wall also MUST be on the near horizon. The California battle may have been lost yesterday, but we WILL win that war. If we can all come together and elect our first black president, I think surely we can come together and defeat the close-mindedness that keeps our gay and lesbian friends from enjoying the same rights heterosexual couples have.

But I've also learned to not expect too much from America all at once. I guess I had better just enjoy this Obama thing for a few days before looking forward to the struggles we face.

It's been a long road.

I have really been out of it for a week now. From not feeling well to making the house HOME to moving in the girls, it's been a hell of a ride. I am finding it pretty tough, to be honest. I need days off work just to play catch-up, but as I do not want to use my holiday time I have been trying to avoid that as long as possible.

For those of you wondering, the second job offer sort of... disappeared. I spoke with Pal about it, and he is pretty sure they went into a hiring freeze. Which is fine and all, but how about just leaving me a message telling me that? You know, "Hey there - we are still really interested but the project has been pushed back a few months" ? But that's ok. I'm happy where I am and if it circles back to me I'll just start from square one in the decision-making process again.

It would also seem that we have had to put the honeymoon on hold. We just can't go away for three weeks while we are living with two teenagers. I suspect we'll do something shorter in the spring, then take a longer trip in the fall. I am less sad about this than I thought I would be. Tell the truth, I'm sort of happy to have one less thing on my plate. Never thought I would say that about a TRIP, but there you have it. Evidence of my exhaustion.

My skepticism over women who say they CAN "have it all" has been solidified during this time. Seriously - any woman who says she can have a challenging job AND raise/stay involved with her children AND devote needed time to her relationships AND keep having sex with her significant other AND relax and have hobbies is ON CRYSTAL METH.

Or maybe I'm just not driven enough.

I want to visit pawn shops and see if my Dyson is around, but I'm just too tired.

Tonight I steel myself against the audacity of hope. I want to embrace it, but I just can't. Not after last time. As though to remind myself, today I re-read the NYT endorsement of John Kerry from 2004.

"If he [Bush] wins re-relection, domestic and foreign financial markets will know the fiscal recklessness will continue. Along with record trade imbalances, that increases the chances of a financial crisis, like an uncontrolled decline of the dollar, and higher long-term interest rates.

[...]

We look back on the past four years with hearts nearly breaking, both for the lives unnecessarily lost and for the opportunities so casually wasted. Time and again, history invited George W Bush to play a heroic role, and time and again he chose the wrong course. We believe that with John Kerry as president, the nation will do better.

Voting for a president is a leap of faith. A candidate can explain his positions in minute detail and wind up governing with a hostile Congress that refuses to let him deliever. A disaster can upend the best-laid plans. All citizens can do is mix guesswork and hope, examining what the candidates have done in the past, their apparent priorities, and their general character. It's on those three grounds that we enthusiastically endorse John Kerry for president."

It's still mind-blowing to me the cavalier mass stupidity that allowed George W Bush to become president the FIRST time, much less the second. America is truly reaping what she has sown. So sorry if I can't get too excited, no matter what the polls say. The track record of taking ourselves seriously is not so good.

Home sick.

The house is looking good. I am not. I have a chest infection. I used to get them once a year like clockwork. The past two years I didn't for some reason. Seems to be back, though. Oh well. At least it's as sick as I ever seem to get. The coughing sucks but I sound much worse than I feel.

I find that I have more than the average number of Swiss army knives. Do you think this is because I lived in Switzerland or because I like useful gadgets? Probably both, methinks.

The girls move in this weekend. Wow. What the fuck are we getting into? While I'm nervous about the close quarters, I also think it will be much easier to all be in one place.

OK. I'm off to finish decorating the kitchen. I should probably just lay down, but I can't help myself.

Happy weekend.

Oh, I should add that while I think that Money As Debt piece is super interesting, I'm sure it is not the full story. It certainly would seem, however, when looking at the current financial crisis, it is certainly telling a good part of it.

Realized the burglar stole David's iPod as well. He actually wasn't too sad about it, as he's been wanting a new one for quite a while but we both balk at buying new things when we have an old one that works perfectly fine. So, in a way, that one works out.

I'm still really pissed about my Dyson though. THAT will take some time to get over. Basically the time until I get a new one. Also, discovered they stole our laundry detergent. The hell?

Last night I finally got more than five hours of sleep. David and I curled into bed with a bottle of wine and watched some Penn & Teller's Bullshit, then I fell asleep before midnight. It was wonderful. We did not unpack or organize anything. We just relaxed. And we needed it.

Today I am leaving work early to vote. I'll take the girls to their homecoming game, and we'll meet up with Nebraska Ron since he is in town for the night. Then I'll unpack books. And that will be it. I'd still love another night of eight hours sleep. I'm focusing on decorating the house this weekend - I'm ready for it to be finally, fully, home.

Money as debt.

I saw this 45 minute presentation on what money is and how it is created a couple weeks ago when I was in Boston. I just re-watched it and think it is very good. If you are curious about our modern monetary system, I recommend it. I'll post the link for now, and embed when I get home.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-9050474362583451279

Thriller

Fantastique! I love one-shot shit.

http://www.dailymotion.com/relevance/search/lip%2Bdub/video/x70vsr_lip-dub-iut-src-rouen-2008_creation

One step forward, two back.

Well, it was a nice idea and all, having a relaxing evening to myself and finishing the last of the bookshelf and going to bed early and so forth. Then I decided to go by the old house and pick up some more of the bits and bobs left - clothes and laundry mostly, as well as food and a few key items. And discovered the house had been broken into! Hooray!

Yeah, so, I was pretty pissed. I had been saying to David for days we need to clear out everything ASAP, because I knew people in our little marginally ghetto neighborhood were noting that were weren't there regularly. The porch light had been unscrewed once and I'm all "Dude, I think this is a sign so they can figure out if we are here". I'd also like to state for the record I am NOT a paranoid person about these things. But I knew.

Anyway, I got there and the door was unlocked. So I stepped in, immediately called 911, and when they got on the phone I said "My house has been broken into". She says, "Are you ok?". I say, " I tell you who is about to not be ok is any motherfucker still in this house. Please stay on the line while I check it out." So I proceed to look all around the house and it was clear. Damn. I was seriously ready to kick some ass.

Then I got upset because they totally tore apart every box that had been packed. Spilled laundry everywhere. Clearly took interest in my ski boots but because they are stupid motherfuckers left them behind. Stole my Dyson! David's banjo! Our power-sander and jigsaw! I admit, I'm still pretty upset about the Dyson. But I do know that in the grand scheme, it could have been MUCH worse. Those were really the only items of any value that were still there. It was mostly winter clothes and such. I'm also happy we picked up the kittens last night because they would have been long gone.

It is quite out of character for me, but I am feeling very very very uncharitable at the moment.

Now I am having a bourbon at the new house after waiting three hours for the investigators (who I eventually just cancelled). It is 1:30am. I have to be at a training in the morning at 8:30am. For two nights I have been punched in the face by my wonderful but terrible-sleep-habits husband which means I will be operating tomorrow on three nights of 5 hours of sleep or less.

Wait, what am I talking about? what is this SLEEP I keep speaking of? Clearly a fictional concept. Nevertheless, I'm off to give it a whirl.