Ashbloemstraat

The longest day, the longest meme.

1. Elaborate on your default icon.
I have taken this meme from a friend on Livejournal, so this can only refer to my livejournal icon. Yes, I have a LJ and the icon is the photo above. I do not use my LJ account for much except keeping up with friends who use LJ and have locked entries that I would not be able to read if I did not have an account. I got it a couple years back when I got very possessive about my Ashbloem handle. I certainly did NOT want other people traipsing about the internet with MY NAME.

The thing is that recently I've started thinking about switching to LJ. I like Typepad fine, but I've never been in love with it or anything. It seems silly to pay for something I can do for free elsewhere. I like how some entries can be locked in LJ. Also, since TP and LJ are both SixApart, I think the archives would probably migrate quite easily. Anyway, I'm pondering it.

But I digress. That photo/my icon? I just thought it was kind of funny. I don't really brush my teeth like that. I can't remember what the hell I was doing when I took that photo. Drunk, maybe?

2. What's your current relationship status?
Hearts hearts hearts all the time. We gush; we fawn. I'm just as in love as I was two years ago when we fell in love on the spot. My heart says "I'm Pit-pat, and I LOVE YOU, David!"! We're getting married under the pecan trees at his grandmother's home in May.

3. Ever have a near-death experience?
There was the time in college when I got sick after drinking Rumplemintz. It probably was only partially the Rumplemintz; in hindsight, it is likely I was physically sick anyway. I thought I was going to die, but this probably isn't the answer this question is looking for.

4. Name an obvious quality you have.
Most of my life the most obvious quality has been my blondness. I got a little tired of that being the one that was most obvious. So I changed it, and now I have no obvious qualities.

5. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
"A Million Faces" by Stephin Merritt.

6. Any celeb you would marry?
I don't know. George Clooney and Angelina Jolie seem like obvious choices. I don't care which one.

7. Who will cut and paste this first?
Probably no one who reads this. And GOOD FOR YOU, I SAY.

8. Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity?
I've gotten Patricia Arquette and Reece Witherspoon once each, but I know in the movie of my life I should be played by Drew Barrymore.

9. Do you wear a watch? What kind?
At this stage, I'm irritated because I had finished answering from here down to question 35 or so without saving my work, and of course the computer froze and I lost it all.

I either use the sun or my mobile phone. I like the look of watches, but I find them a little depressing.

10. Do you have anything pierced?
My belly, and both ears, though I only wear earrings about twice a year.

11. Do you have any tattoos?
Yes, and I'll have another just as soon as I can afford it.

12. Do you like pain?
I like feeling every feeling deeply, but I don't know that I LIKE pain. Unless it is the kind of pain one feels when a masseuse has hit a particularly tight spot.

13. Do you like to shop?
No sir. I guess old bookstores are a nice thrill, but I'd just as well get everything online.

14. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
My train ticket.

15. What was the last thing you paid for with your credit card?
I don't have a credit card, but I paid for my bagel this morning with my debit card.

16. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
My friend Tom in Amsterdam.

17. What is on your desktop background?
A home, a photo of the wallpaper that used to be up at the Expo bar.

18. What is the background on your cell phone?
David.

19. Do you like redheads?
I don't discriminate.

20. Do you know any twins?
There were these very nice but exceedingly odd twins in college in my dorm. I heard them speaking to each other in some sort of gibberish the first month we were there, and I thought it was going to be one of those secret "twin" languages, but when I moved closer ended up it was just French. I was disappointed, I admit.

21. Do you have any weird relatives?
I think most people do, except for David, and that is sort of weird in and of itself.

22. What was the last movie you watched?
Since we were recently flying to and fro from London, I had the opportunity to watch several mediocre features. Except for the Simpson's Movie, which, had I not tried so hard to sleep, I would have happily watched on a loop the whole way to Gatwick.

23. What was the last book you read?
I'm reading The Omnivore's Dilemma. Before that, it was Working Stiff.

24. Is there such a thing as love at first sight, or it is more likely to be "lust at first sight"?
Maybe it wasn't exactly at FIRST sight, since David and I had seen each other many times before last Christmas, but I can tell you there was never a hint of growing feelings for him leading up to that moment. I mean, I had barely even seen the boy for three years or something. But whatever it was happened within the span of an hour, and that's about as close to love at first sight as I have ever experienced. My breath was literally and suddenly taken away that night. It can only be described as magical, I think.

25. What's your favourite book?
The English Patient.

26. When was the last time you visited the street where you first lived?
Last night.

27. When was the last time you googled your own name?
It has been a while since my last vanity google. Truth is, after David and I got together I googled myself and found a blog entry about how I seemed very pleased to have broken David and his ex up. I felt very bad about it at the time, and finding that just sort of made it worse, so I have lost my interest in finding out what people are saying about me online. Of course I check myself on Technorati from time to time, but always with a sense of wariness.

28. What was/is your favourite subject at school?
In high school: math. In college: every Shakespeare, art history, and geology class I took.

29. What was/is your least favourite subject at school?
In college: physics. In high school: English. I was a committed reader, and was disgruntled by how poorly we were being taught good books.

30. Do you like having your photograph taken?
From the right angle, of course.

31. What time were you born?
12:33pm.

32. Ever seriously questioned your sanity?
Ha.

33. How many phone numbers do you have remembered and can say off the top of your head?
Very few.

34. Can you limbo?
It has been some time. I would probably be stiff.

35. Have you ever killed your own dinner?
Yes, at every oyster bar I grace.

36. How long have you been living at your current residence?
Since February. But comfortably since this summer.

37. What phobias do you have?
Bees, wasps, and necrotizing fasciitis.

38. What's your ideal breakfast?
Stinky cheese and warm baguette.

39. Where are you right now?
Work. Last day, counting down.

40. Why do you blog?
I am a writer, and if I did not write I do not know what I would be. I have always been a journaler, this is just the new form. It helps give structure to my thoughts, and keeps the creativity at least on simmer. I meet wonderful people, and would David have found me again without it?

There are lots of reasons, but mostly just to write.

41. What would you call your autobiography?
Goin' Crackers: The Ashbloem Story.

42. What's the longest time you've stayed out of the country/where?
Four and some years I was away, away. Sigh sigh sigh.

43. Do you use ICQ, AIM, etc..?
Indeed, but these days I am more oftentimes found upon Gmail chat.

44. Do you have nightmares frequently?
Last night I dreamt that I was walking along the streets of some quaint town center, sort of like Wellesley or Freeport, Maine or something. There were Christmas lights everywhere so it was bright despite the nighttime. I saw a dog in the street that looked just like my ex-girlfriend's and my husky. I yelled her name, and chased her, but she did not stop. I watched as a bus came down the road and hit her forcefully enough that she flew upon the sidewalk in a lifeless heap. I ran to her and held her head, noticing no external injuries save a badly gashed paw. I thought she was alive. I looked up and David stood there. "Call Angell Memorial Hospital right away," I said, holding the dog. He took his phone and walked away. I looked at the dog's tag and it was a stupid boy name, like Champ. It wasn't Kaeli at all, but it looked just like her. I held him anyway, sitting there on a winter sidewalk.

45. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
Well, I seem to have a lot of friends, so I'd like to think the odds would be good.

46. Which TV character could you be friends with?
I do not know many characters since I don't watch much, but I think Lois Griffin, the mother from That 70s Show, and I have a LOT in common.

47. What's on your mouse pad?
I do not have one of these items.

48. What is your ring tone?
I have a new phone, so I haven't changed it yet, but it is usually the Super Mario Brothers music.

49. What did you watch on TV last night?
GUITAR HERO! David and I played an awesome Freebird together, dude.

50. Scary movies or happy endings?
Sweetly ribald comedy.

A million faces.

I am in love. Totally and completely besotted with NPR's Project Song. Watch the video; it is wonderful.

I want more more more.

I need something to breathe.

For someone who generally likes to hemorrhage every feeling and thought I have onto the internet, I'm certainly going through a period wherein I hate to right now. Part of it is that one of the things that is really getting to me now is that my sister is going through a hard time - it is her thing, so I cannot really write about it. But to give a brief summary, she found out her partner (unmarried) of ten years was fucking hookers. Bad, yes. Very bad. Broke up. All this hard enough, right? Apparently not. He's filed a lawsuit against her - a completely unnecessary and spurious lawsuit. I want to vent about it, but I cannot, because until we get it resolved I do not think it is a good idea. But she wants to try to resolve things regarding the suit (the relationship is OVER) - I have been trying to act as mediator. But dealing with someone who is being this much of a delusional dick is beyond even my tour director experience, so I'm leaving it to the professionals. It is all depressing as hell.

However, I AM going to mediate and manage the house they own together, which means I need to find a short-term renter ASAP. If anyone reading this knows someone looking for a six-month rental (maybe longer) in southeast Dallas (near Fair Park - not the ghetto part), please let me know.

Another part is that despite how ready I was to leave my job, I was really not prepared to come in Monday and them tell me my last day would be Friday. 1.) I had told them I would happily stay until right before Christmas to wrap up all my loose ends; 2.) I have a lot of loose ends since I was away 2 weeks, and there is no WAY they will be done before Friday; 3.) What the fuck kind of notice is that? I don't have any money, dudes. I would have preferred at least 2 weeks. In fact, two weeks would have been perfect.

David has had an interview for a new job he is excited about, and I have my fingers crossed, because jesus christ  on a bicycle has it been hard for him to find a decent job here. I guess I really thought that since he knew people here he'd be able to find something quickly that made decent money once we moved. Not the case. And while it is not his fault, this has been exceedingly stressful for me all year, as I have stayed in a job that I really don't like just because I have been the only one pulling a regular salary. Now that I don't have it anymore, I'd like to focus on finding something better for me, but I can only do that if he gets this job. So everyone, please, hope as hard as you can.

And coming back from Amsterdam is always hard. I say it over and over and I know it is boring, but I miss my life there profoundly.

I hate getting into it all online, because then I sound deeply unhappy, when I am not. I am really at heart very content. And then you nice people write supportive messages, and I feel like a dick because I am not really THAT sad or anything; just have a lot on my mind and I sometimes have a proclivity towards being maudlin. And also because it's been ages since I read a lot of my favorite blogs, though that's mostly because I've been out of town or so busy at work that when I come home I just can't bear to be in front of the computer for too long. Then I don't write anyway because who the fuck wants to hear someone just whining all the time? I know when I do I jut want to say IF YOU ARE SO DOWN WELL DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, WOMAN.

I need a winning lottery ticket and about a month in Ibiza. I think this would cure what ails me.

Toddlerific holiday.

So I've been away a bit and the holiday was really busy, which means the writing has grown a bit sporadic, but oddly I haven't missed it at all. It is well-documented my avoidance of certain technological items - televisions, telephones, electric lights - but my love of computers is usually downright romantic. But the past two weeks I haven't had much of a desire (or, frankly, the time) to be on one. I haven't even taken that many photos recently. Of course, when I say "not many photos" that still means about 50 over the past few days, after editing out the bad ones. Without the regular writing, however, I feel a little bit adrift in my own thoughts. It gives me a structure within to ponder, instead of letting my brain run amok and rampage through my sanity, effectively destroying what is there left. So perhaps in December I'll do a little National Blogging Month of my own, even though November was REALLY NaBloMo. There are some stories, and I'd better get cracking on telling them.

As for the Thanksgiving holiday it was a cozy mix of friends and family - only the second family Thanksgiving I have had in the past 10 years. I admit that it was a little sad for me. Of course I love my family and that was a treat too, but I really LIKE my orphan Thanksgivings. But I called Annie, and Dab and I had a nice long conversation while I roast the turkey, and Jeremy and I reminiced about our Amsterdam Thanksgiving, and it was all ok in the end. Not only did I have Jeremy in town with Tats and baby, but Ben and Amanda came with their Little Miss too, so we had a very toddler-focused couple of days, which was really sweet. It still does not seem quite real that two of my oldest friends have made little people, but there they were, and I am pretty certain they were not borrowed.

We had a play date, and went to the Dallas World Aquarium. Jer's little one intently watched us play Guitar Hero on Sunday. We had a really nice time.

It was a different sort of of Thanksgiving for me in all sorts of ways, but the addition of the babies lent an air of responsibility that I have, frankly, never felt. I loved it and was unnerved by it. Recently I have been going through a phase wherein I am certain I am not mommy material; that I will fuck it up terribly, even if I somehow find the funds to have one in the first place. I can't say that feeling went away entirely this weekend, but playing with a couple of toddlers certainly was fun, and their little bodies are so sweet to hold. And they have great books. We cooed over them and imagined what our lives would be like once we had one, and the one conclusion we could firmly agree on was that it would be different and tiring.

Definitely different and tiring.

Home again, home again, jiggity blah.

I ended up taking so many photos of David and Jimi in front of various sights - David and Jimi at Tower Bridge! David and Jimi at the London Eye! David and Jimi at Big Ben! - that we began to joke that I was the photographer on their gay honeymoon. They DID, after all, spend four of the nights alone together... though I guess we shouldn't count the one in which Jimi got lost in Amsterdam.

To be honest, I busy at work catching up and am also still a little too out of it to really talk about the week, except to say ARRRRRGGGG! I want to be back. I have the most wonderful, fun, and hey! really good-looking friends. And the ways in which we come together are different than life here (well maybe not from life with Ann, Dab, and Carment) -  I can't really explain it right now, though I will try eventually. It has something to do with the extremely high level of spontaneity in everyone's lives there; the fact that no one drives anywhere; the fact that everyone drinks; the fact that having fun with each other is really high on the priority list. And it isn't like there aren't friends who don't have busy jobs or kids, or whatever. They do. But all of that goes in stride, because what good is life if you don't spend it with the people you enjoy the most?

Something like that anyway. Hard for me to get my thoughts straight at the moment. Off to try and finish this thing, before someone catches me slacking off. Plenty on Flickr.

Morning.

This morning I was in deep slumber when I was woken by a phone call from the US. It took me a few minutes to even process that the phone was ringing - it was still dark and the ring on David's phone (his works here with my UK sim card; mine does not) is a crowing rooster, so there was a lot of reasons this was confusing.

I answered it and it was Jimi's girlfriend. Apparently the boys (David and Jimi and my friend Leo) were in Amsterdam getting good and drunk last night for David's birthday. They went back to the apartment, where Davey and Leo passed out. I guess Jimi decided he wanted to explore the neighborhood, as he was not sleepy. So out he went, sans street address of the apartment, or a map. And, as you might guess, ended up irretrievably lost.

Fortunately he grabbed Leo's phone on his way out, so was able to call Paula, who somehow found my sister's number, and then got my number and called me. I ascertained where Jimi was, and gave him the following advice: "Dude. I'll text you the address. Get in a taxi."

I think I should probably get an earlier flight today and get there as soon as possible before one of them falls in a canal.

See you soon!

I'm going to write this week at some stage, but we shall see how it goes. At any rate, have a great week.

Also, Tuesday is David's 30th birthday. That's exciting. I remember my 30th birthday - I spent it in Amsterdam, too.

Imminent departure.

I was looking at some old photos and when I saw the one I posted above I finally got REALLY EXCITED about leaving tomorrow. That photo is a really good still life of how I spent my time in Amsterdam when I lived there - reading and eating cheese & ossenwurst.

And then I realized I don't have any digital photos at all of London, despite how often I have been there. I guess every single one is an actual physical photo, which is nice too, but I look at them so rarely. The only photo I have FROM London is this one of me and Danielle:

Check out that pinkface on me. This picture is proof that one can get sunburned in Scotland, especially when you sit in the jumpseat of a motorcoach for several sunny days in a row. Also, we loved that pillow in the bar. I called him Little Dog Fauntleroy. But you can't really see much of LONDON in this photo now, can you?

Point being, I am looking forward to some photo-taking. And friend-visiting. And leaving David and Jimi in the red-light district while I eat ossenwurst in my favorite cafe.

I'm finally relaxed and excited too, because guess what? I told them here at my job that I wanted to be phased out. It is such a relief. I just was not digging it - the company was not going the direction I thought it would when I was hired; I was commuting too far; I have been paid too little for my experience; and I just had some general concerns about how it was managed. They are really nice people, but the anxiety of it was just becoming too much. I have to find something new now, but that stress is not as crippling as what I had been feeling at the end of my days here.

I had nice drinks out with Jimi and Carrie last night. A friend who had been having a very hard time getting pregnant emailed me and said she going to have a baby in May. David came home last night. We leave tomorrow. Everything feels better suddenly.

Wow, Dallas.

I'm not going to pretend I've ever LOVED you or anything. In fact, I've pretty much actively disliked you since childhood. But every time I think you are getting something right and get a little hopeful, you turn around and shoot me the finger. Toll roads inside a levee? Sure! Trying to push out Exposition Park businesses? Well, why not? Hey! I have an idea! Why don't we pave paradise and put up a parking lot?

It's like being involved in an abusive relationship. You just keep hitting me, but I keep coming back because I think you are family or something retarded like that.

You know what I hope though? I want it to be like this:

I want to be wrong. I want to be SOME DAY be wrong about Iraq, and I want to be some day COMPLETELY FUCKING WRONG about the Trinity tollway too. I hope the parks flourish and there is no disgusting low-lying pollution from a backed-up tollway on its periphery. I hope my friends get to canoe in some pleasant fucking lake and don't hear a goddamn whisper of traffic while they are biking down a promenade. I want to be ass-wrong about being worried the tollroad itself might flood in high rains and that it won't have to be shut down all the time for water-damage maintenance.

It really won't matter to me personally, because I won't be living here. But I like people here, so, you know. Here's hoping.

Thirst.

Back from LA very late last night, and enjoying the quiet house with kittens finally in lap. David stayed in Los Angeles and so I get a couple nights to myself. I miss him, of course, but I really needed a bit of time to myself to decompress.

The weekend ended up being a little bit more like being on a tour job than relaxing. I'm sure a lot of it was self-imposed, as I was really aware of my mother and sister having never been there before. Of course, my JOB is to be excited about people seeing new places, and to be ever excited about them myself, so it was going to be hard to let that sense of responsibility go. Sadly it also meant that times I sort of imagined just sitting around in a bar with old friends catching up slipped away in traffic and strolling Venice Beach. I think if it had just been my sister I wouldn't have felt that way - in fact, I am sure I wouldn't have - but having the mother there is different. Almost like I was too aware she might not go back, so she should see everything she wanted to see. Whereas I know I will always be back, and I can always drag my sister with me.

But it was not without its nice parts. Friday we did go up to Santa Barbara and Santa Ynez, hitting some of the wineries and the charming little towns of Los Olivos and Solvang. On the way back through Santa Barbara I visited with my old friend Hilary and her husband Andy, who I had not seen in a long time. There was walking on the beach, finally putting my feet back in the sand and REALLY missing the water. Josh and Liz had a wonderful rehearsal dinner, pre-wedding party, and amazing wedding. It was simple and beautiful; short and sweet. I caught up with old high school (and some junior high) friends and met Jeremy and Tats's baby finally.

I have not been myself recently. I will not dwell on it, but know I need to make some changes. I need to calm down and stop putting pressure on myself. Where this came from, I do not know. I don't remember it being quite as bad last year. But I will breathe through it. I can do this.

I'm reevaluating the blog as well. At this stage so many people I know personally read it that I am becoming a bit self-conscious about what I say. Not that I'm critical of people generally or want to bitch about things, but an aspect of freedom in what I write feels forever lost.  David and I already have a secret blog wherein we write to each other.  I just may have to have more elsewhere, and this one will need to evolve into something else. And that's ok.  I just need to figure out which way, or maybe it will just do it on its own.

I am really tired. I just have to make it through this week and then I'm back on European soil; home, finally. It is as though I have been stranded in the desert for a year, tracking my path by the course of a dark moon; teased by mirage and propelled by something indescribable playing harp upon my heartstrings. Saturday I'll kiss the damp British air; Thursday I'll drown in Amsterdam's canal water. I will drink and drink and drink.