Ashbloemstraat

Final.

Tonight is New Year, and it is by sheer force of will that I will end up doing anything at all tonight. The excesses and lack of sleep and general busy-ness has taken a toll and I am certainly a bit sick; possibly on the verge of being quite sick. Starting Christmas morning my chest has grown heavier and heavier with some mild infection; I haven't been able to sleep for coughing and now my nose and ears threaten to go the same route. I never get really ill, so I suppose it is inevitable that it should happen eventually. Hopefully nothing a handful of vitamins and some champagne can't fix. However, I suppose I will stick close to home tonight in case my energy runs down, especially since I'm having a hard time getting it up to start with (I have already sent Davey off to one party without me); so to the girls in Swaziland, I am so sorry I won't see you tonight!

Happy New Year to everyone! Here is to a joyful and healthy 2008!

Kussjes all around!

Pet sounds.

I had two bad dreams the past couple of days.

1. I was in an animal adoption shelter, looking for Marley. I could swear I kept hearing his meow, but every orange cat had both of their eyes. He kept meowing and I couldn't find him. I was heartbroken.

2. I bought a friendly little blue parakeet. I carried him around my house, close to my breast, while I hunted for the cage I knew I had purchased for him. He made a sort of satisfied cooing, almost like a purr. I finally found the cage at the top of the hall closet. I set my parakeet down while I reached up to get the cage. When I turned around, my bird was gone. I followed blue feathers into the bedroom where I found Gus had eaten him, and nothing was left but a wishbone. I was heartbroken.

Never happy!

I can officially say, and no offense to anyone, but I am so ready to have my house to myself and the holidays be done. I'm so fucking tired.

That said, in two weeks I will be alert and rested and bemoan the loneliness of no friends here, and cry that the holidays were our happiest time.

Whine, whine, whine. Never happy, never happy.

Mostly,  I think I'm not used to being with boys who aren't Josh, Jeremy, or Seth. There is this weird rampant adolescent sexuality which is the major difference in hanging out with my boy friends versus Davey's. It isn't OFFENSIVE. It's just different. Maybe that four years makes a bigger difference than I realized with boys.

I'm too tired and drunk to write. More tomorrow.

Christmas past, present, future.

The holidays as I know them are drawing to a close. That is to say the time of the year wherein I catch up with my high school friends slung far and wide is shimmering away; and this year was a rather paltry year for visits, to my great sadness. Everyone's life has changed, or something. Josh no longer has family here that warrants a Christmas vacation, especially now that he has a brand new family in Los Angeles. Jeremy was here with family at Thanksgiving, and two visits just did not work out. I had a great time with Micah; a brief visit with Angela; saw Dwight and Michelle the past couple of nights; and had some up/down visits with a couple other friends. Otherwise, it seems that families are deciding to leave the big city, and other old friends have little reason to be here anymore. I love visits wherever and whenever I can get them, but there is something somewhat magical about all coming together all at once.

On the upside, I have made friends with several of Davey's old friends, and it has been nice to have the holidays getting to know them. He said he was happy I like his friends where his ex did not, and I told him that is probably a good sign of our compatibility (as though we did not know already). Where old ghosts stand, new realities spring. Ever the way. We have had lots of fun drinking and Guitar Hero-ing and playing Apples to Apples. With the exception of ending the evening quite loaded, it has been good clean fun.

With wicked, wicked mornings. On the downside, the late nights have been doing me no good, and I've been feeling ever so lousy. Can not decide if it is sick or exhausted, but probably some combination thereof.

And now, this year, the question of what a family holiday should be is on the table. For me, that is, as I move forward into my life with my existent family, my new family, and my family that lives under this (or any other chosen) roof.

I have been lukewarm about Christmas for many years now. You cannot make me love Christmas, nor the trappings. I hate being all Grinchy about it, but I just do not. We have few (if any) family traditions, and certainly are not close; the gross materialism makes me sick - like seriously sick at heart... oh god, the entitlement!; I am not Christian; and this holiday has always meant I am out of my element and have plenty of free time to visit with my sister or my friends and do exactly what I want.

The only day I really felt holiday happiness was when I would throw a tiny Christmas party before coming to Dallas - usually about 10 people; and we would have glogg and gingerbread and exchange tiny gifts and dance around and have nice soup. That seemed to me what it should be about.

This year has been wildly different for me. In the past, whether I was involved with someone or not, I always travelled home because it was the one time of year that I did. The day itself was always stressful - from my grandparents being rigid in the time they required dinner, to what we ate, to the gifts we felt we needed to give, to my mother and her husband inevitably fighting, to the crap food. I had no love for it; I never looked forward to it. I only ever wanted to go out and see my friends, who at least seemed to feel some joy of the holiday. It sounds selfish, and perhaps it is, but that's no different from anyone else in my family's attitude, because instead of a day of giving and love, it was a Big Fat Selfish Christmas. Well, except for my sister, who I feel really always tried hardest to stay true to the spirit. And I am probably being harder on them than I should be - I think everyone has an idea of what HE OR SHE wanted Christmas to look like, but we never ever discussed what it meant to each of us. And I think we've suffered for it. 

This is my first year with David's family for Christmas, and I honestly don't know how to react. They seem to be truly happy and really enjoy each other's company for Christmas. How novel! it is perfectly nice, except of course that I am totally unused to it and feel generally sort of uncomfortable when I am there. Not because they do anything weird by any means - oh no! It's that everyone is so ON THE SAME PAGE that it is like a wonderous and strange new world, wherein if I touch anything I might alter the fabric of it. It just is not yet my world, though I am pleased to know that one day it will be.

This year my family decided not to give gifts at ALL. As far as I am concerned, it was WONDERFUL. All that stress over presents - gone! I did not buy a single thing! But then my sister seemed a little sad, like we missed out on the festivities somehow. And now I wonder if we did. Maybe we just need to establish new traditions or something. The old ones sort of blow. But maybe having none at all is unsatisfying as well.

I guess only time will tell.

Summary.

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?

Live in Dallas, as a pretty grown-up lady, with my own house and lover. Ever before, I had been under my mother's care.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I do not make resolutions, as I do not enjoy setting myself up for failure. However, I often decide on a new place I would like to visit in the upcoming year, and I'm still thinking that one over.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! A couple people. And a couple of conceptions fiercely awaited finally could be celebrated. It was a nice year that way.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, I am relieved to report.

5. What places did you visit?

I did tours of San Francisco, San Diego, LA, New York, Chicago, Boston, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Williamsburg/Jamestown area (VA), Charlottesville (VA), and Indianapolis (I think that's the lot). For fun, David and I went to DC, LA, Austin, London, and Amsterdam.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

More money.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

No date is really ever etched on my memory, as I have such a bad one. This is why I keep a blog, silly.

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?

Renovating the (majority of) my grandparents' old house.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Keeping the newly renovated house tidy. In the grand scheme of things, my failures this year were nil. I'm in a mood wherein I refuse to be too hard on myself. It was a tough year and I think I did my best.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing, thank goodness.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

That I bought? Hrm. I haven't really bought much. Probably my sewing machine, though it has been woefully neglected the past couple of months. A plane ticket for David to go to London was also a fun purchase.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Two people really, though I have a few I could say. My sister has had an exceedingly tough time of it, and I've been impressed by the general level-headedness and grace of her reactions. And of course Davey, for putting up with the erratic moods being in Dallas instills in me.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Hands down my sister's ex. He had been part of the family, and he turned around and shit all over it. I'll never understand why men can't fucking grow a set of balls and break up with long time girlfriends if they are unhappy.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Travel.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

That Davey and I are getting married in May!

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

Probably the R. Kelly / Broken Social Scene mashup of "I'm a Flirt". It is better than both originals.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

    a.) Happier or sadder? Sadder, probably. Kind of neutral though.
    b.) Thinner or fatter? Fatter, for sure. Going from biking everyday to never biking makes a difference.
    c.) Richer or poorer? Poorer, but mostly by choice.


18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Make money.

20. How did you spend Christmas last year?

This year? Hanging out. Good times.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

Yes. Over and over, for every day that passes.

22. How many one-night stands?

We have yet to play this game.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Meh, I don't really watch. I guess the Office.

24. What did you do for your birthday in 2007?

We had a game night at my sister's house then went to Lee Harvey's. It was nice.

25. What was the best book you read?

The His Dark Materials trilogy, particularly The Golden Compass and The Subtle Knife.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Loney, Dear! EASY.

27. What did you want and get?

New friends. A trip to Amsterdam - my years cannot pass without at least one.

28. What did you want and not get?

A good, fun job.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

I did not see many, sadly. Probably Superbad, of the ones I saw.

30. Did you make some new friends this year?

Yes! It has been so nice. That is one of the things I love about moving to new places.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More cash.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

H&M catalog.

33. What kept you sane?

David, David, David. Oh, and the cats. And vodka.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

"FANCY"? As in some sort of crush? No one. Well. Hugh Laurie a little, after I watched this. Yeah, ok, definitely.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

I had been watching what was going on in Pakistan with quite a bit of interest. Benazir Bhutto was the first world leader who I became really cognizant of - I was quite young, in middle school, and was just starting to become aware of current affairs. I thought she was beautiful and smart and amazing. So I was following now again, 20 years later. I was sorry about her assassination today.

But there are more. I just do not feel like writing them. This one is on my mind today for obvious reasons.

36. Who did you miss?

Annie, Dab, Terra, Dani, Carrrrrmen, Grady, Devery, Sara, Tom, Pal, Johan, Karen, Anita, Rene, Mirielle... I just can't even go on or I will go all night.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

The best? There is no best. I met a lot of nice people this year.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.

Never assume that your significant other cares about the same things you do. He is probably perfectly happy to leave that laundry on his dresser, just as you are perfectly happy to leave your shoes all around the house. Either let it go or say something if it bothers you.

Also, never assume that just because your mother OWNS the house you live in she is in any hurry to have the repairs done that you don't have the skills to do. This is why we have had no porch light for three months - we won't fuck with electric connections, and my pleas for an electrician do not seem to be urgent for her. I guess free rent is the payoff for this snail's pace, however.  I guess.

Lapsed.

Well, it seems I have failed spectacularly in my personal blogging month by going six days without a peep. However, it has been a whirlwind of old friends, family gatherings, drunken evenings, and other sundry wonderful and terrible things, which have all left me with no time. So, in all honestly, I am here writing only to say a very belated happy holidays, and I shall resume my commitment tomorrow.

All love; all love.

her tears fell on her pages.

In my older age, I have grown so uncomfortable with arguing with people that I just want to stop the evening.

But where has the rum gone?

It is official. My liver must be a pickle.

The holiday season in Dallas has officially begun, which until this year has been the only season I'm usually in Dallas, so things are beginning to take on - finally - a more familiar tone. Only it is better, really, because in addition to the friends who have started arriving in town I have new ones who live here, and I can be the person who leads rather than follows. Admittedly, that feels good. It also feels nice to have a holiday season wherein I am sleeping at MY OWN HOUSE instead of my mom's or my sister's or a friend's. My own living room to host drunken crashers and my own bed to sleep in gives this year an air of relaxation i have frankly not felt previous to this one. Of course my sister was always totally cool about having people over, but it is much nicer to know I do not have to ask anyone's permission.

Last night I double-booked myself but it worked out perfectly, as I think if I had stayed at any one event I certainly would have been unable to drive by the end. David was working, so first I went to Genevieve's birthday celebration at Times Ten Cellars, and had some lovely wines and cheese. After that, off to Elm Street Tattoos Toys for Tots party as Mel's date. If I do say so myself, we made a very handsome and very black-and-gold couple:

There were so many beautiful people at this party you would not believe. The women in their frocks and holiday make-up were so delightfully done, and I thought sincerely though briefly that I should go home and put on something sparklier - not to mention eyelashes! HOW I MISSED MY EYELASHES. Flouncy party dress after party dress! I felt some of these women might have as large a MAC cosmetics collection as I do. I felt kindred dress spirits were in the house, but I mostly just looked instead of having deep lipstick conversations.

The fellows were fairly dashing as well.

Mel and I listened to the bands and wandered and chit-chatted with various people until about 12:45, when I decided it was probably time for me to go if i was going to stay sober enough to pick up David from work. So I kissed my date goodbye and took off to the Windmill Lounge to pick up David.

It was hopping when we got there, which I was not expecting on a Tuesday night. David's high school friend Patrick had arrived from LA and was at the bar, so we left the car with David and decamped to Lakewood Landing where we had a final drink for Genevieve's birthday (they had all ended up there); then we stole some rum from her, went by Taco Cabana for nourishment, and headed home.

Patrick and I drank rum and ate tortillas until David came home, at which stage we played Guitar Hero until I stumbled into the bedroom and passed out in my stockings and garter belt. Klassy!

This morning, we hurt.

Lo, the holiday is rife with merry-making. Which means I will have hangovers to suffer through. But suffer I shall.

Holiday in the city.

What kind of month have I picked to write every day? All I can say right now is I love Gen's birthday; I love visitors; and i love being Mel's whore.

Good night.

Blah blah blah.

I thought I would talk about my weekend, which was nice; but I don't really feel like it, sitting here listening to music and feeling ever so trapped without a car. Nice things are less appealing given these environmental factors, though I'm trying to focus more on my blessings, of which there are many.

It seems that recently I've been thinking a lot about 1.) Love; the nature of love; what one needs from love; why it is important; why one type of love is suitable for one person and not another; heartbreak and how one lives with it and moves on constructively as opposed to settling; etc. etc. etc.; and 2.) How weirdly catty Dallas is. I feel I have never lived among people who were so snipey behind each other's backs, at least, not since high school. And sadly, how I have fallen into this behavior a bit. And how I hate it in myself so so much. I had a moment last night in a bar that made me uncomfortable, and I thought about a few other times this has happened, and - well - I just never remember this in Amsterdam or Boston.  People just didn't care enough to CONFRONT each other. Anyway, an entry for another time.

In other news, I have decided upon two things. A.) I will do the tour in Germany in February. B.)  I should just relax and enjoy this time off, because it is abundantly clear companies aren't hiring right before the holidays. I'll just get out as many resumes as possible and hope for a plethora of calls just after the new year.

Feeling schizophrenic in regards to music at the moment. Since this entry was started I have skipped from Mountain Goats to Rainer Maria to Radical Face to Plus/Minus to Ryan Adams to The Cardigans and still nothing is sounding quite right for now. Nothing fits.

Yes, that is it. Nothing fits. I shall read, or some similar activity. I'll find something that fits this moment. Even if it is just beer.

EDIT: Songs: Ohia.