Ashbloemstraat

So tired.

Oh, it was a great weekend, and I had dreams of loading up photos and regaling you with stories, but I kept busy all the live-long day and now am much too tired. But I will be back tomorrow.

In summation, however, I have lovely friends that I miss very much right now. It was a really special weekend; what a treat to get everyone together. I'm even more excited about the wedding now, because I'll get to be with all these girls en masse once again.

Also we got the wedding invites out the door (well, almost - we ran out of envelopes, but the number we were short corresponded almost exactly with the number of persons for whom I had not procured an address yet... about 15 or so - but most people should receive invites by the end of the week, I should think)! That felt very official. I guess there is no turning back now.

(Not that I want to, mind you. It's just a little crazy to think about. Or I guess I'm just tired. Off to bed.)

Prologue.

Well, I'm in the middle of several things but I will be back on after the photos load up to talk about my awesome, amazing weekend in Boston.

Also, I really appreciated everyone's thoughts on the name thing. Lots of really good points and things to think about. I know I'm not going to do anything right away because my intolerance of the process outweighs any feelings I have about changing my name. But I'm still torn over it once we start having kids. However, I've got a while before that happens to figure out if I'll add his on.

I do really like my proper Scottish name, after all.

Ok, back in a bit.

Opinion poll.

It is always right when I think I'm going to get up from the computer that Ernie jumps into my lap and settles into a nap just as cozy as you please, even if he had just been tearing around like a maniac with Ronnie the Bear only minutes before. Sigh. Now I CAN'T move.

ISSUE ONE (in my best John McLaughlin voice)! What are your thoughts on post-marriage name change? Part of me thinks a hyphenated surname would be nice; sort of like marking the moment when we become a new family unit of our own. Realistically, however, I think I'm just too damn lazy to go through the rigmarole to have it done.  I hate bureaucracy,  and the pay-off seems more symbolic than tangible.

Plus I'm sort of used to mine. I've had it for more than 34 years now. And I wouldn't change outright because I'm used to the three syllable rhythm. Going to only two will make me feel like I'm in a constant state of incompletion. So for me I will either keep mine or add David's on.

For those who chose to change (either completely or hyphenate), why did you? Same question for those who didn't.

ISSUE TWO! Actually, there isn't an issue two. I just can't stop thinking about the McLaughlin Group.

Hey, does anyone watch Bill Moyers' show on PBS on Friday nights? I've caught a couple of them and...boy. If you want something to make you feel helpless in the face of general governmental ineptitude, that's the show for you.

EDIT: Ooo! We just got our wedding bands in the mail! How very exciting! They are lovely and simple; just what we wanted. I'm wearing mine around right now!

The women.

This is a post that has been on my mind for some time. And before I start in on my generalities, I have to say that to the women in Dallas I have started real friendships with - you are lovely. In some cases you have reached out to me and (certainly in these last few weeks of wedding planning/job searching) made yourselves more available to me than I have been able to make myself to you and to that I say THANK YOU.

But there is a disconnect between me and quite a lot of Dallas women. I sensed this from the beginning, but I think after one and a quarter year that my senses did do me good and I was right. I did always say I'm pretty decent at the First Impressions Thing, after all.

To be fair, as I stated before, the sprawling distance of Dallas makes it very difficult to make natural close friendships. Whereas once I could trundle off to Annie or Terra's within a few minutes bike ride, or hop on a train and make it quite simply to Jenny's home, or take a 10 euro taxi ride and meet Anita at any old bar within the city centre we knew so well, Dallas blocks ease of friendly living at most every turn. One of the reasons I have grown to love Doublewide and its lovely women owners so much is that it is, should I require it, within an easy and reasonable cab fare from home.

But as I've navigated my way through understanding the relationships between different groups of women or individual women I have come to understand that there is something very different in how we all choose to build or deconstruct our relationships.

It makes me wonder about the positive after-effects of going to a women's college. Of course, I have immensely fulfilling and loving relationships with women who did not go to a womens' college - Terra, for example; or more recently developing, Jennifer (with whom I may just have an East Coast sensibility in common). Any of my European friends. Hell, it PROBABLY even has to do with the fact that I'm a few years older than everyone; and YES, I understand that in real terms three or four years (or more, with some people I'm chatting with) means nothing. But in emotional terms - in EXPERIENCE terms - well, shit. I've learned more in the past five years than I learned the 29 years before that, and that's a fact. I do not question whether that may be the same for some of the people I have spoken with. It is simply true - women, I believe, settle more and more into their skin and self the older we get, and yes, those three or four years make a lot of difference, again and again and again.

But back to my point about Dallas women. I am still really trying to sort my thoughts out on this. I will say that I have not, since college, experienced more in-fighting; more back-stabbing; more shit-talking; than I have recently. Everything seems fraught with drama. There is something so selfish and MEAN about the whole thing. And this is where I wonder if a womens' college helped my friends and me in this regard.

Maybe we were always just nerdy and didn't care. Maybe we got our girl-crushes out of the way at age 20 and learned how to deal with the repercussions quickly and gracefully. Perhaps we learned we could make ourselves miserable by competing, or have the time of our lives by working together. Hell, maybe I just learned all this from my all-female Shakepeare troupe and my a cappella group.

It just seems that my oldest friends and I, whether they went to a Seven Sisters or not, learned very early that if we were kind to one another; if we were supportive of one another; if we thought of each other before we thought of ourselves - it strengthened our bonds all the more. Even on the days when we had to break the news to a friend that we thought that boyfriend was terrible for you but we really hoped things would turn out ok and we genuinely MEANT it. And we KNEW, even if we hated hearing it, that you meant the best when you said it (yo, Annie, can I get a what-what on what you told me about the ex-girlfriend, yo?) and we couldn't hate each other for it. I would never ever undermine a friend, even when I was most unhappy.

I don't know. That seems to be lacking a lot here. There is a collective low self-esteem coupled with a profound self-centeredness topped by a societal female non-support I just do not understand. Even when the person seems really NICE.

I just don't know.

Anyway, for all you nice Dallas girls who read this, obviously this is not about you. It is about some relationships I've been watching very superficially, and probably even judging incorrectly. But I can't help but feel it everywhere; watching people I do not know in dark corners; in the way a 25 year old girl tugs at her skirt in front of friends. In the way girls on the street laugh at each other having a hard time, and I do not mean in the funny Laughing With You way.

It makes my heart ache for those girls I know I can curl up to in a good hug and not feel ridiculous about it.

P.S. These are mostly BAR observations and nothing very personal, I would like to reiterate.

Little things that made me happy today.

1. I polished all my silver flatware. I bought a whole bunch of silver at an estate sale years and years ago because I was throwing lots of parties and needed more forks and knives and such, AND it happened to be the same pattern my grandmother had. However, I never once polished them before now. They look really pretty! That isn't all of it above, by the way, just a smattering. It really took me a couple days to do it all. I have no idea why I had not done it before. This behavior is hereby rectified.

2. Today's activities included an extended excursion to Ikea to price out a new kitchen cabinet, and peruse other, more unnecessary items. I always love Ikea (always, that is, when it is the middle of the day and very very empty). I got random kitchen items and some curtain rods, as well as more fabric for the wedding which should be enough now (oh yes and lots of tealights for the wedding - woo hoo!).

3. BACHELORETTE! WEEKEND! IN! BOSTON! I leave on Friday. I sort of keep forgetting it is so soon. I'm so excited to see most of my wedding party ladies plus a few extras. Yay, Boston. How I miss you, despite how obnoxious the South End was growing.

4. I'm in this weird spending mood, which is bad, though fortunately with me they happen so rarely so I can't give myself too much crap for it. Plus I'm all about SALE items, so I bought some nice white sheets for about $20, which is nothing; and I got a nice new shower curtain, which was not on sale and relatively expensive, but I don't buy shower curtains very often so I consider it worthy of a non-sale purchase. Also I bought some naughty knickers. I AM having a lingerie shower soon but they were on sale and so cute and dirty I just couldn't resist.

5. David just sent me a text and he is on his way home early, which at 10:30pm is early indeed for a Doublewide night. We'll watch a movie and fool around before going to sleep. What a perfect evening.

Feeling destructive.

As I swore I would do, I got up Friday and promptly scrubbed the filthy kitchen walls clean with ammonia, painted the ceiling bright white, then primed the primary portion of the kitchen (I am focusing on the cooking part of the kitchen first, and then will move on to the dining/storage area). That took me most of the day and due to the fumes may have permanently damaged my lung lining, but it felt GREAT (I may have also been somewhat high from those fumes, come to think of how great it felt).

But what felt even better was when I got up Saturday morning and ripped out the kitchen cabinets I have hated so so so so much since we moved in. KNOCKING THINGS OFF THE WALL IS FUN. The dust and detritus less so, but within a week or two this area is going to look wildly different. I'm doing some schematic drawings right now to figure out what we need to buy to fill in the sink/surface area you see above. The minute I figure out the most cost effective step to take, I'm going to rip that shit out too and teach myself how to reinstall that sink. BOO-YA.

We shall see if we end up flooded or something.

In other news, I am going through a period of being very unhappy with Dallas. Admittedly, I have enjoyed it more than I thought I would, and in the end David has a couple of nice jobs he is finally satisfied with (FINALLY). But my experience has remained spotty - working with my mother and the house has been stressful from the very beginning (though I have liked the labor and learning and minimal cost of living), and has taken longer to make friends than I would have hoped (but not necessarily EXPECTED - I've met lots of lovely people but it is a lot more work to make those relationships take hold because the distances between people is so much more here).

Of course, it is on the job front I am feeling most disappointed and disenchanted and most certainly dismayed. I guess in Boston I was a pretty typical and desired member of the job force - I never went more than a month without a job and I certainly fielded far more interest than I am receiving here. And I have to say, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, DALLAS? I mean, seriously. I've done everything right. I have a brand new resume; I have tailored each cover letter. I have a great education and eleven years of experience in sales/marketing and/or HR. And I'm getting diddly-squat. I was even turned down for a two-month TEMP JOB. They said they went with someone with more experience. I had to bite my tongue to not say "EXPERIENCE IN WHAT? STAPLING? FOLDING PAPER?"

I may be feeling a little bitter.

But I'm also trying NOT to feel this way, or at least to go with it a little bit but not let it consume me. Something will come up, and then I will miss my time off and wish I could sleep late and stay at Doublewide on a Wednesday until 2am.

I am also sure I can improve upon some things in my cover letters and such, so I'll just keep plugging away at it.

Blah. Ripping out cabinetry is so much more satisfying.

BY THE WAY: the question about Madison is because a company from there contacted me, and that suddenly seemed like a really fun and heretofore unconsidered option.

Practicing.

So, yesterday we took a bit of a break from wedding stuff other than a little talk about how we felt the Day Of should be timed, and what David will be wearing, and some other minor chit-chat. Otherwise, David relaxed and I applied for more jobs, then we did very Couple-y things like go to Home Depot, and Target, and Old Navy (apparently Old Navy's market does not include women who wear socks, because they had not one pair for women, though I did get my requisite summer pair of flip flops, which were needed as Gus has chewed my old one to bits, and they are only good for padding around the house now).

Starting tonight, my friends, I begin work on finishing the kitchen. Due to some... er, MISUNDERSTANDINGS (or really more like MISCOMMUNICATIONS from the owner of the home), my new focus is simply to make the kitchen look as nice as possible for as little money as possible, which is going to mean a lot of scrubbing, sanding, and some bright happy paint. The bad news is it really requires a hell of a lot more than we can afford or care to do to it to make it maximumly functional and nice. The good news is we don't own the house so don't really care about making it maximumly functional anymore. But we will spruce it up so at least we aren't depressed by its dinginess every time we cross the threshold from the nice, cozy part of our house into it.

And excitement! We have flagstones so I think finally David will be building the patio! I can't tell you how excited I am for this. There are visions of summer cocktails and barbecues with friends dancing around in my head.

How very married we will be by this summer.

UNRELATED: Hey, does anyone know much about Madison, Wisconsin? I am newly intrigued.

ADDITIONALLY UNRELATED: Lauren A., Christine C., Anita G. the Brad & Alicia B. family: if you are reading this, I need your mailing address to send you an invite...send to me before the 25th if you can! Let me know in comments if you need my email.

AND YET AGAIN: The "wedding" design theme on my blog cracked me up for a few days, but it's enough now.

My Something Old.

My mother got her wedding dress and veil out of storage so we could have a look at the veil. Now, when my mom got married, she was nineteen and exceedingly smaller than me, so while I knew in my heart she was sad I wouldn't be wearing her dress, it just simply was not to be - hell, at my smallest ever I was a size 6, and this dress is easily a size 4 or less. But I'll happily wear her veil since it seems to delight her so.

It's going to need a little work - despite being sealed up the flowery bit on top has discolored, so I'll take parts of it off so it is smaller and cover up the yellowed sections. But the tulle part looks great and while it might be a slightly different white than the dress I'm not really concerned about that kind of thing and I shall be donning it come May 31.

There is something funny about putting on a veil; it is the moment you feel you have fully become The Bride, an archetype much more ancient than my other, more modern archetype moments (e.g. Study Abroad Student, College Stoner, Thirty-Something Finding Her Way In this Crazy World). Even in my t-shirt and jeans, standing in the bathroom to take this photo, I felt different in the veil. Part of something bigger than all this planning business. And pretty grown-up. As well as a Pretty Grown-up.

Maybe I should wear it every day.

Anyway, I also wrote out the outline to the ceremony, which took me most of the afternoon and caused some tears from time to time. I'm really happy with it. We haven't finished our actual vows yet, but the rest of it is simple and (I think) balances the profundity of the event with the lightheartedness we want to have on that day. I can't thank the women on Indiebride.com enough for all the suggestions they give, and the openness with which they have shared the details of a very personal day. I've stolen more than a few lines from different women.

That forum is so great (as is the newer Offbeat Bride forum). Unlike reading bridal magazines, which exist only to make women feel there are things she SHOULD be doing (and therefore must buy, buy, buy to make up the difference), these forums help women feel in control of what they are doing. They create a community of independent minded brides who have decided to say NO to the Wedding Industry and do it exactly the way they want. That isn't to say they are anti-traditional - in fact, there was more tradition on display than I expected there might be. They just don't think they have to spend $50k to have a personal, meaningful experience with all the people they love the most. 

And to this I say RIGHT ON SISTERS.

Bright and happy.

This post has to start with a special thanks to my friend Jennifer who kicked my ass to get started on the table runners. We had a really nice Saturday afternoon in her sunny breakfast room, cutting and ironing and sewing. Of course, I realized I didn't buy a very useful length of fabric (I bought it quite a while ago, so wasn't sure yet of what size table we'd be using), so these runners are more like... table COVERS, but that's ok too. The yellow material underneath will be runners also, and I spent yesterday cutting all the pieces out. I'm short material for about, oh, six or so, but I'll get all these done then go find some fun fabric for the remainder.

I did go to the Crate and Barrel outlet to check out their fabrics - if you did not know, they have bolts of Marimekko fabric there and also remnants for 95 cents a pound. I got three yards of this nice Brasilia pattern, which has large flowers on it, and I have a plan for it involving stretchers and the backdrop of where we are saying our vows, but if I don't get to it I shall use it for something else nice.

I love the fabrics above too - I have this dream that I'll make a duvet or something out of the printed fabric, and we can forever use it and think of our wedding and goofy stuff like that. Or maybe I'll stretch a piece and put it on the wall. I JUST DONT KNOW. And the yellow fabric is quite nice too; it is a hefty cotton that will make lovely placemats and napkins after the wedding. And I have about a billion yards of it, so not only will I have lovely yellow placemats and napkins, YOU might as well, since I don't need a setting for 200 people.

We aren't doing a "color scheme" for the wedding, unless you call a rainbow of bright colors all over the place a color scheme. So nothing really has to match; we just want it all bright and happy. This makes it exceedingly easy to find fun things to decorate with. It also means that my bridesmaids/stolichnaiads will look like a packet of Skittles, I hope.

I suppose by simply having a wedding there is by definition some traditional elements in our plans, but I'm really enjoying creating a new sort of wedding. Nothing against all the lovely weddings I have been to, but doing something that is really us and separated from the things the Wedding Industry says you SHOULD do is really exciting.

I may not be perfect.

Yesterday I had a little breakdown. Just a little one. Suddenly the stress of being the one in charge of everything on the home front got to me. Now, mind you, I have been doing everything with much cheer these past several weeks, and I appreciate and love David so much for working as much as he has. He has really stepped up and filled in while I have not been working, and though I made a small salary for the tour he certainly has been the breadwinner the past couple of months. In return, I have been trying to be a good house mate, doing laundry and cleaning and cooking and taking care of the pets and all those sorts of things. I mean, he's never around to do it, and he's pulling his weight on a different front anyway.

Yesterday, however, I just felt crushed by it all. Everywhere I looked there was a pile of laundry to be folded or washed. A litterbox to be cleaned. Papers to shred. Floors to swiffer. Dishes to clean. On top of all this, trying to get out five resumes a day, and that takes some time. And the wedding! Let's not forget we have a wedding, which as of yesterday we still needed a rehearsal dinner space for AND we found out the place where we have been planning (for the past year!) to have our after-party was shut down.

Oh yes. It was not a good day. David woke up to find me boo-hooing a bit and then once I went through everything he felt stressed too and we both spent the day wound up in an un-fun way. Not fighting or anything, but certainly not enjoying life. And I thought - I'm hiring a maid as soon as I get a job again; I'm giving away at least two cats; and goddamn it, eloping sounds pretty sweet right now.

And then I thought - no, I really do not want to do it this way. I want to have fun and enjoy this time. I'll only be getting married once (I hope...).

So. The house is just going to have to be sort of messy for a while. I'll work my way through it. The cats I really can't do much about. They are too many but I love them too much and I'll just go back to the better, expensive litter which lasts a long time when I get a job. And the wedding is going to be great no matter what because we are excited to be getting married and sharing it with all our good friends! I just CAN'T DO IT ALL AND DO IT WELL. I admit my shortcomings.

And today it all got better as soon as we relaxed into it.

Today we confirmed a rehearsal dinner place. And our wonderful friends at Doublewide said they would happily let us after party there. We found our wedding rings. The invites look great. And I'm going to sew tablerunners, but I am going to let a lot of other things go.  The ceremony is in David's grandmother's BEAUTIFUL back lawn, and it just doesn't need much more than all the beautiful trees and flowers that will be there. Anyway I have purchased bits and pieces over the past few months - ribbons and material and paper lanterns and Kat! has sent me paper cranes in addition to the ones I have made and well HELL. It's all pretty much DECORATED ALREADY, ain't it?

So I'm just going to breathe, and relax, and stop fighting it, and be a fucking BRIDE already, ok? I only get this ONE TIME! So the next 2.5 months on this blog might be a bit wedding-centric, but I suppose you will deal with it or decide to come back after it's all over.

Yeah. You are a grown-up; you can decide what is best for you, too.