Nerves.

A few days ago, I bought *The Pregnancy Countdown Book*. Before you start asking questions about whether I am or soon to be pregnant, the answer is no. I purchased it for someone. However, since we have been talking baby in the relatively near-term (we would, for example, really like to go on our honeymoon first, and I would like to drink during said honeymoon, so we need at least the rest of the year to ourselves), I thought I would read it before wrapping it up.

UNWISE, dear reader. Not only did some of the physical stories make my skin crawl (constipation, cellulite, vomiting, hemmoroids, weakened pelvic floor - need I go on?), but what really got to me were the bits about how the relationship between partners changes month to month.

How in the first trimester we'd be completely grumpy with each other because of my hormones - me because I have them, him because he will be totally confused by them. How I would most likely be too exhausted and/or sick all the time to even think of sex. And how the second trimester gets better, but then we'd move into the third, when I'll get REALLY BIG, and he'll be grossed out because he'll be afraid I'll stay that way, and I'll be too uncomfortable to sleep next to him, and maybe he will choose to move to the couch. And then how there is no telling what the first few months of having a newborn will do to us!

To be fair, the book does state rather plainly that every pregancy is different and they are only talking about average experiences, so I do realize some of this may end up to be true while some may not. But that didn't keep me from panicking just a little last night, and crying just a little bit, and swearing to myself that I don't want to have a baby after all because I don't want the relationship I have with David to change that dramatically.

Today I feel a little more sane about it - last night I was dead tired but couldn't sleep and maybe maybe a little PMS-y and my brain was not entirely rational - but now my nerves have turned to how the relationship is about to change anyway, because we are getting married and that is FOREVER AND EVER. At least, we want it to be. And while there is no doubt we are in love and live well together, have we asked each other the right questions? Have we discussed thoroughly what we want our life together to look like? Do we have the same expectations?

To be honest, I thought we had discussed the important stuff (where to live, children, daily activity, who cleans the litter boxes), but I was sure the good old internets would give some good recommendations on things we should be sure and discuss before May 31. So I googled said topic. Here are some example questions that I hadn't even thought about asking:

1. Have you ever hit someone? 2. Do you have a criminal record? 3. Will you clean the toilet? 4. What role will God play in our relationship?

Wow. Should I tell David NOW about my criminal record?

Seriously though, I did find some good stuff. I still feel like David and I have gone over a lot of it, but... I don't know. I feel a bit nervous today - not about David and I choosing each other, but just the enormity of what marriage IS. I am scared of the changes that we can't possibly prepare ourselves for entirely. The times when we are going to get sick of each other, and when I get pregnant and fat and he thinks I am disgusting, and when he doesn't come home when he says he will and I immediately think that something has happened to him or he met someone else and has left me. These are all ridiculous and partly irrational but I guess that's just how anxiety works.

I do not think we are doing this blindly, but it is hard to be objective when we are so in love and excited.

So, married people or practically-married people: What do you wish you had discussed before you started this journey together? What would have helped you avoid rough patches, or at least helped you through them? And if you've had precious few rough patches, what's been the secret to avoiding them so far? Is Business Time the secret?

Comments

[Liza]

Surrender, Dorothy!! That's the trick for us, in marriage and kids. Yes, it's that messy, but it's also unfathomably wonderful (again, both marriage and kids). As long as I remind myself that, in the great cosmic sense of things, I'm not the one running the show, I'm able to stay in relatively good shape.

I also heard on This American Life, which rivals The Great Book as far as I'm concerned, that the big difference between couples who make it and couples who don't is not how much or how often they fight, or how much they do or don't disagree on particular issues, but how they treat each other when they fight and disagree. And as far as I can tell, the ones who do well keep a healthy dose of respect, kisses, and good humor in their daily lives. Looks like you guys have already got that down pat! It's gonna be awesome! Yay, marriage! Yay, kids! Yay, Ashbloem and Davey!

xoxo

[Liza]

p.s. DON'T read PREGNANCY BOOKS!!!!!!! They are the devil's work!! They give _me_ the heebie jeebies, old gray mare that I am. (The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy is the only exception to this rule.)

[lillet]

I totally feel you about the pregnancy ambivalence thing w/r/t your relationship. Cause some mornings I'm just like -- why do I want someone else around messing this up? Why do we need the 3rd wheel of a baby?

And then I think "Well, HELLS BELLS, LURLEEN! A BAY_BAYYYYY!!!" and think I should relax.

I read a horrible article in ELLE today about a woman's relationship to her post childbirth vagina that made me want to die. ANd then I read other things that make me want 5 babies right now.

As far as pre- wedding: As you know all too well, 80% of our fights stem from finances and the eternal meme of "I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING -- YOU DO NOT REALLY LOVE ME." I wish we had really made a serious plan to at least agree on the logistics of how we were going to deal with our respective financial closet-skeletons.

But also -- it's all worked out awesome in the end. It's just such a more monumental thing as it goes on and as you go on together --and I am sure when we've both been married over 10 years we'll look at now and say "Wow, I had no idea what I was in for -- I had no idea how amazing this could be."

xoxoxo

[Kathryn]

I second that pregnancy books are evil and best avoided! What to Expect When You're Expecting scared me to death and made me feel physically sick, but so far my pregnancy has been wonderful and I feel great, so there's no need for all that fear-mongering literature.

[Jenny]

My only advice (which I meant to share at our Cape weekend, and forgot probably due to the shots of beer) is to make sure you really know the person you're marrying. When you're annoyed or think he's nuts or something, it almost always relates back to some trait or experience or quality that you knew about before, and one which you probably love in another context, and just figuring that out always helps me to be a bit more forgiving and sympathetic. Oh, and be sure you understand what his money baggage is and that he understands yours - we all have it, and if you get why each of you behaves the way you do around the finances, it will save you many fights. MANY fights. There's a reason money is the number one thing couples fight about.

The cool thing is, there are also traits you probably don't already know about that are fantastic. The things I love most about Josh now are not things I would have highlighted 7 years ago - I'm not sure I even knew about them then.

This marriage thing? It can be really, really hard. It is also the best thing ever. Exactly like life with kids, but that's a topic for another day . . .

[Wendy]

We're not fighters, but I am an anxious person and I'm still waiting for it to suddenly happen. I doubt it will - we've been through some crazy stuff already and have been OK. But you never know (tweak).

I agree that knowing how the other deals with money is essential. One serious mistake can set you back for years, trust me. And of course being on the same page about kids, and where you want to live (if you know!). My marriage is complicated by different citizenships and culture but for some reason we manage that stuff better than the practical stuff. But we never lived together before we got married (see: citizenships). You probably have a handle on the practical.

So don't freak out. (And I hear you also shouldn't read pregnancy books, but not my area.) Taking big leaps, showing you have the courage and the trust in each other, that's the best part of having a partner. You just do it together and everything is less scary.

[sevendots]

I tried asking Sean last night what keeps us together and why do we have a good marriage--and instead of an answer I got the 'ol funny eyes (as if I was trying to lead him to a trap) followed by a "That sounds like a girl question." Anyhoo--from my perspective, and I think he would agree, we are quite a bit alike. Ridiculously alike. That works for some couples--certainly not all.

We don't fight about money--however, we could both use some good advice about our bad spending habits (re: our daily Starbucks fix). Our bickering stems from lord knows what and most likley stems from some unrelated annoyance. Which brings me to this bit of advice--try not to let outside forces (ie: issues with family, work or anger at the jerk in the BMW that cut you off earlier that day) interfere with what is good in your life -- your significant other. That is the person who will be there at the end of the day, who loves you now matter what. So, I always try to remind myself of this and let those things go. Still, I could use some work.

Also--I manage my family and he manages his. I don't understand couples that get so engrained with the other person's family. From my perspective that only causes "issues" in your own relationship.

Finally, my good woman, after being together for 13 years now -- I can echo the above sentiments that it just gets better and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

[Angela]

The only thing I never talked with Matthew about with real effort was the fact that I refuse to put the vacuum cleaner cord back on it's hooks when I am done vacuuming. Also, I hate sorting flatware in the drawer dividers. I could have a voided many a glaring look if I'd tempered him fist. In all seriousness, I would have. But, I think we should have discussed one thing better: I don't really fit into Canyon, TX that well - or Amarillo for that matter. I miss museums and edamame. I want very much for there to be more than one make-up counter for me to beg for samples at and I need to live someplace that has theater. He, though cultured and prissy in his own right, could care no less about any of these things. He knows I need them, I just feel we should have discussed my time limit here a little more...

As to rough patches: Avoiding them would mean he'd need to have a more decisive nature at times. Getting us through them is usually his patience with me.

The few dust-ups we've had in 2 years can be attributed to the fact that we are better at laughing at our ridiculousness than we thought we were. I generally want to know what the problem is - in an unvarnished way - so we can start to take it apart and deal with it. He's got lots of tenaciousness so this approach is good for us.
In short we talk it out - we hug a lot. We hold hands a lot.

We are close to each other in ways I didn't think I could be with anyone and I am happy for that.

If it is scaring you - talk about it. Preface the sentence with a few minutes of quiet and then say the phrase "Baby, this is tweaking me out..." He'll hear you. His eyes do indeed speak his soul.

[Angela]

jesus I can't spell...or type...which is it today?