Zwölf.

Yesterday was a good day. David decided to call in for work so we could get some things done - which maybe is somewhat silly, now that I think about it. HEY, DON'T GO MAKE SOME MONEY AND LET'S SPEND SOME INSTEAD! But whatever - he had a good night at Double Wide on Saturday, and we have less than two weeks until the Big Day and had some stuff we wanted to get done together, which is hard during the week. In addition, the boxes of beautiful lingerie I received last month have been killing him, but he is more superstitious than I and would not dream of me putting any of it on before the wedding, so we went and got something for me to traipse about in for the next few days.

I don't know WHAT I was thinking when I said maybe we wouldn't have sex the month before the wedding. I'm glad some sense was knocked into me (so to speak), as I would not want to miss out on this fun, romantic time - which we will only get once.

That aside, I pretty much worked on the kitchen. Like I said, I know to someone who might just randomly stop by the house it doesn't look like much, but finishing the walls takes several coats of texture mud and I finally finished that yesterday. It's a process to get it smooth and just right. So I can see it, but sure - it is still a disaster area. And I haven't done the plumbing yet. But tonight I'll prime it and tomorrow the paint job should be complete. The floors we won't touch until well after the wedding, when we can tackle the back, final portion of the kitchen, but they will eventually just be those black & white checkerboard stick-on tiles. They will be the very final thing we do.

Bins of stuff sitting next to the front door to be transported to David's grandmother's: twine, beverage buckets, markers, wedding book, posters, branches, paper cranes. Other various and sundry. The house has reverted back to what it looked like several months back - boxes and presents and laundry and things everywhere, like we just moved in.

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So, I am happy. Beyond happy. But I have to tell you honestly - and I'm going to sound like a real girl here for a while - I really do not like how I look these days. I cannot put my finger on it. I know some of it is that I am at my maximum weight. That's annoying, but I tend to think I gain pretty evenly so I don't THINK I look weirdly larger than normal or anything. Just like there is a couple inches padding everywhere. And since there is nothing I can do about it over the next 12 days, I can't feel bad about it.

It could just be that I am so busy I am not taking the time to really do my hair or makeup when I go out, so when I steal a look at myself somewhere I just think WHAT A HOLY MESS AM I. Which I am, it is true.

I'm also thinking that despite it being my natural color, I really do not like being blonde again. I've gone back to blonde because I thought maybe I would like my natural color in my wedding photos but now I am not so sure. Or maybe it is just because I am tired of my long hair and want it to be short again and I am getting impatient. Does anyone remember a favorite color or hairstyle they have seen on me? I'm really having a hard time.

Whatever it is, I hate every photo and reflection of me I see these days, and that is bumming me out. I don't want to hate all my wedding photos. I am not usually this hard on myself, but it is a special day and I want to be pretty and all that.

I am taking good care of my hair and skin though, even though I might LOOK a mess most of the time. I've been using a couple different tanners, and bought a beautiful new organic soap from Fraiche, and am finding Skinceuticals C E Ferulic a veritable fountain of youth. I'm all dewy and rosy and fairly soft to the touch, so perhaps instead of having people look directly at me on my wedding day, they should just feel my skin and smell my hair.

Comments

[Molly]

I've always thought your natural blonde looks best on you. It's such a rare color to have past childhood and it always looks beautiful with your skin. I think it really makes you stand out in a good way, and I haven't been as fond of any of the other colors. (Except that blue wig in your profile picture. That looks awesome!) Actually, I think that would be a cute hairstyle for you, with the bangs and a little flip, sort of "That Girl" style.

But looking at your recent Flickr pictures, you look fantastic right now. Seriously, try to look at your picture as if you were viewing a stranger and I think you'll see that you look pretty hot. :) You're gonna look great in the wedding pictures!

[Terra]

I agree with Molly on all points:

1) Love love love you as a blonde (well, love you no matter what, but you know what I mean). It's so fresh and pretty, and the color is what I would kill for and spend much money trying to achieve for myself.

2) I thought the haircut you had when I first met you was super cute-- shortish with a little flip in the end.

3) Are you kidding? You are a hot momma! You will look back at your wedding pictures and remember the love of your new husband and all your friends who came from far and wide to celebrate with you. You will not care so much about some little imperfection. And anyway, as we get older I am sure we will yearn for those little imperfections instead of whatever major imperfections happen as we age and age. You know?

4) Can't wait to see you and give you a big squeeze!

[Angela]

ok - I differ, though agree: Blonde, please. Curly wisps of hair framing your face always made me see you as soft and delicate. The "That Girl" thing does work for you - as long as it isn't a harsh dark brown.

I can tell you this: making any real changes before the wedding will make you nervous and the associated hormones are the stuff of super-zits.

[lillet]

Keep your hair as is!!!!!! Unless you get "INSPIRED" before -- but you knwow the difference between divinely inspired and bored. Pay attention! Buy an new makeups if you wish.

You will be the prettiest bride ever, I promise.

Love you

L

[pamsterdam]

Just my two cents - I had my hair short when I was 18, and decided to do it again at 25, thinking it would look just as cute. In fact, college boys started calling me ma'am and offering me their seat on the T. I felt that I looked like a soccer mom rather than a frisky young thing, so the "exciting new haircut" had the opposite effect to the one I'd intended. So - long story short: you look adorable in your short-cut pics, but I'd recommend you try a short wig before you go for the chop.

And damn, girl, your natural color is so incredibly hot. As are you. Seriously. Steamin'.

[sevendots]

I agree--your blonde is unusual and rare--you may not see that since you have lived with it your entire life--but it is a very nice pure blonde. I also say don't make any drastic changes two-weeks prior to the wedding. And what are you worrying about? I saw that photo of you in your dress and you look cute, cute, cute. You have nothing to worry about.

Also--have you considered Mystic tan on the lightest setting? I like the self-tanning lotions too for everyday use--but for a very special occasion where you will be showing extra skin--you really can't beat the Mystic tan for that even Saint Tropez glow. Of course--experiment with this option soon (not the day of) in case you hate it and think I am bat shit crazy.

So in summary: Keep the blonde, you look cute in your dress, Mystic tan.