Ashbloemstraat

These United States.

Well, for whatever reason - and no, neither pregnancy nor PMS can explain it - Weepfest 2008 continued tonight while watching - WAIT FOR IT - the PBS American Experiences about JOHN ADAMS, SECOND PRESIDENT OF THESES UNITED STATES. At the end of his life, when he and Jefferson reconcile? And Abigail dies? Yup. Sniffles and tissues over here, my friends. And ALMOST sobs.

It was also that it made me think a lot about this country, and its formation, and what it took, and how we are pissing it all away, and maybe that made me cry too. And yes, I know all the struggles of women and blacks and such. I went to school in the 80s and 90s; colleges reveled in untold histories. But really - quite remarkable, those times and people. How have we allowed ourselves to become so complacent? Is it that we are too big? That our freedom of speech laws have allowed the media to become too powerful? Do we not question? Do we not suffer enough? How can I get so frustrated and angry and try to invest myself (and I know my investment is nothing more than voting and staying informed) and yet NOTHING EVER CHANGES?

Seriously, I think there are just too many of us. You know how when you go into a meeting at work you can get about 10 times more things done when there are less people? Yup. Let's whittle the U.S. down to the original 13 colonies, and everything else can do its own thing. Not sure yet if I'd move to NYC and stay in the actual U.S., or move to the West coast, now called Gay New Freeland. I certainly need to leave Tejas Liberidad (Alto Mexico), what with all the non-existent gun laws, because guns are scary to me.

Hm. Difficult decisions.

Honeymoon swoon!

So, I'm pretty sure we've decided on Thailand! I just need to clear the time at work, and then we book! And we're going to go to an elephant camp! And sleep on beaches! And take a cooking course! Exclamation points all the time!

Weepy.

So far, summer looks a lot like this. In fact, I've had to make a deal with myself that from now on I will only go over to my sister's when I get out of work a bit early and the sun still is over the trees, because otherwise I would just go over every day and that means nothing happens at home and my cats get very unhappy about us being gone. So I've been very good with myself since Sunday but maybe Friday will be a good pool day. Anyone in the area interested in joining sometime soon?

I got very emotional this afternoon. I actually was BROUGHT TO TEARS by a review of that new Pixar movie Wall-E. TO TEARS, PEOPLE. And not even like, a single tear rolling down my cheek. I had to get tissues and blow my nose and everything. IT WAS ONLY THE REVIEW. Geesh.

There is probably a little something to the idea that I might be experiencing a little post-wedding blues, just insofar as before I had projects that were fun all the time. Now I just have the fucking kitchen and I have to clean the house which with four cats and a messy husband is just a never never ending proposition. I mean, I am really messy too, but pretty much only with my clothes and shoes. Which is MESSY but not DIRTY, you see. On the other hand, I opened a box in the kitchen which David had packed some dishes and stuff in when we tore out the cabinets. And they were all DIRTY. Why, I ask? Now I just have some old cakey nasty dishes to clean, as though installing a new kitchen and putting away my own pile of clothes isn't enough. On the other hand, he's really awesome about cleaning the litter boxes and doing stuff outside, which I forget about these days. Really, we're as bad as each other, but in different ways. It's just that MY ways don't baffle me. I've lived with them my whole life. Meh, such is partnership and marriage, I suppose.

Now it is 12:30am and I should really be in bed, but I was so tired when I came home from work that I fell asleep accidentally on the couch for almost 2 hours and now am not as sleepy as I should be. I'm having a glass of wine in hopes that will help.

I'm moving on in my on-going project to weed morally questionable and otherwise worrisome things out of my diet. Next: Diet Coke and bacon. Bacon is delicious, but I don't have it often enough for it to be difficult to give up, and I'm taking the meat purge one step at a time. But for the past three months or so, I've gotten in the habit of a DC or two in the mornings at work. The aspartame is nothing I want in my body, though. So I'm switching to iced coffee to see how that works. I am pretty sensitive to caffeine but as long as I don't drink it after lunch I'm cool. I don't know why I like that DC so much in the morning. I'm happy to not drink it in the evenings or on weekends, but that fizzy caffeine hitting me first thing totally wakes me up at work. Hrm.

We booked our tickets to go to San Francisco in August for my friend Danielle's wedding. Also we were both waaaaay overdue to visit friends there, so we decided to make a trip of it. But I have to say, this is a killer year for weddings. I still have TWO MORE. And they aren't local. I think one is going to have to go, which I hate, but trying to do them all in a year that we also spent money on our OWN wedding is tough; really tough. And it looks like we - well, really, ME - won't be able to do my annual Amsterdam visit. Heartbreaking. We had hoped to have a wedding party there too, since only a couple friends were able to come to the real wedding, but time and money and weak dollar have conspired against us. I suggested to David we do it as a one-year anniversary thing, but we'll see. In the meantime, I want to cry thinking I won't see Anita, Johan, Rene/Mirielle/baby, Karen, Pam, and company this year, but what can you do? I guess we did get to see Sara in Switzerland this past spring, though, so it was a trade-off. I would have been sad to go another year without seeing her too if we hadn't.

WHEN will I win the lottery?

Does anyone else like Ricky Gervais's show Extras? I just love this show. We got all three seasons and watched them straight through. I wept through the last one. WEPT.

Jesus, what the fuck is up with me? Honestly, I'm really happy. Apparently just very emotional. Perhaps I should only watch action-adventure for now, and avoid movie reviews unless they are for The Love Guru.

Best compliment ever.

Anyone who has known me for any amount of time - or hell, has read this blog long enough - knows I have a MAJOR CRUSH on Nina Persson.

If you've been with me long enough, you may remember the story of the Great Nina Stalking of 2003, when my friend lived in the same apartment building as Nina in Malmö, Sweden. I would peer out the window through the courtyard and say purposefully creepy things like "I SEE SHE'S EATING A SANDWICH IN THE KITCHEN". After which my good friend Mette would yell at me to stop because I was freaking her out and she didn't want to get evicted. SPOILSPORT.

But seriously, I do and always have loved The Cardigans. They have always been willing and quite eager to be different for every project. They haven't gotten enough respect in the US, I say. Because they are really good. I just love Long Gone Before Daylight. I just thought it was a lovely, melancholy album.

ANYWAY. One of David's friends came up to me at this event we decided to go to for an hour to fill some time before we had to work at Double Wide on Saturday (Art Conspiracy - Seed) . I've seen her here and there but we haven't talked much at all. Our conversation went something like this:

T: Sorry I couldn't make your wedding party!

Ash: No problem! Would have loved to see you but whatever! (/smiles)

T: Wow, I love your dimples! You look like Nina Persson!

Ash: /speechless; / stutters;

T leaves after I babble about stalking Nina

Ash: (turning to David) T is my new best friend.

Pause.

I have been/am in orientation sessions for the new job, so my computer access is limited. I'll try to do something on here tonight or tomorrow, but to be honest it's just been a lot of Davey & I hanging out, swimming at the sister's pool, and half-heartedly doing some shit around the house. We got the DVD to that TV show 30 Rock, because someone told us it was good. And it is pretty funny, so we watched the whole first disk of that on Sunday evening after being in the sun & drinking beer at the pool all day.

EXCITEMENT.

Still deciding what direction to take this blog, but I'm not going to rush it. It will come when it comes.

Currently, in Ashbloem land...

Not much to say this week, I guess. Trying to get back into the swing of blogging, but failing miserably right now. It's partly because we just got back from out of town, and so we've spent the past couple days back trying to get the house marginally back to normal. Oh, and swimming at my sister's house. Looks like that will be a theme this summer, and one I thoroughly am excited about. I just wish I could get there before 5:30pm, which is EXACTLY when the sun starts going behind her trees. Ah, well, it will keep me from the skin cancer.

Also here at work I have actually started some WORK. Which is sort of nice. It's very organizational, systems type stuff (I'm in a department which sort of seems to straddle IS and finance), which is sort of boring in some ways, but since I know it is helping this here hospital for the children work more efficiently it is pretty satisfying in others.

So now suddenly I have all this open time! The lack of wedding planning leaves a lot of space to fill, or not, as the case may be. Time to turn attention to the kitchen, as well as planning the honeymoon. I think we've come to terms with the fact that we will have to put our 3 month South American trek on hold and opt for something shorter (like 2/2.5 weeks, so still a good trip) if we want to do it soon, since I just started this job. And we DO want to do it soon. So we're weighing Thailand or Costa Rica, and that gives me something to turn my attentions to now. Anyone been to both and can do a comparison? I'm a little partial to Thailand, and Davey's a little partial to Costa Rica - I'm drawn to the food, and he's drawn to the shorter flight.

I'm also ready to read and knit and embroider again.

This is going to be a good summer, I think.

Forgive sporadic updates until my brain readjusts to general normality.

Short vacation.

So, we are back from Chicago and I have to tell you, I seriously seriously love that town. I've been impressed with each visit I have had, but none more so than this one. In fact, we were so GOOD at having a good time that we were completely exhausted when we got home last night. THAT said, we were able to catch up on some sleep, finally. We chose Chicago as a sort of interim "honeymoon weekend" since my college friend Sharon was getting married there this past weekend and it seemed to make sense to combine a long weekend with some fun with friends. And since I had already put Chicago on my mental short list of places to which we might like to move, I really wanted David to have a chance to see a lot and enjoy himself. I think he approves of it as an addition to the list.

Highlights:

1. Obviously, catching up with Wellesley friends again, including a couple that couldn't make it to our wedding. But it was fun to hang out with Nora, Grady, and Siobhan again in such short order after our wedding - only this time we had more time to stand around with them and them only. My friends Arcadia and Leslie finally got to meet David, and there was approval all around.

2. The food served at the wedding was very good, as well as the couple of Chicago hot dogs we consumed on the street. We had a very tasty Armenian lunch our first day there (a restaurant called Sayat Nova).

3. We bid on Priceline for a hotel and were accepted at the Doubletree Magnificent Mile. Have to recommend it - good rate, and perfect location for us - on East Ohio, just about a block and a half from Michigan Avenue, and a ten minute walk to the Navy Pier. Close to all wedding festivities. And the most comfortable beds EVER. We slept in late every day. It was a bit of a shame to miss that morning time in Chicago, perhaps, but we had some serious sleep to catch up on since our own wedding.

4. Went to Millennium Park bicycle center and went on a bicycle tour called the "Friendly Neighborhoods Tour". There were four of us and the guide, and it was about 3 hours of tooling around Chicago. We went along the Lake Shore Trail a bit, up into the Gold Coast and Lincoln Park, through Old Town and around Streeterville, and by the beaches. It was really fun. Our guide was good and the weather was perfect.

5. We enjoyed the bicycles so much we rented them the next day and went down Lake Shore Trail from the Navy Pier and went to the Shedd Aquarium. We saw the baby beluga whale, and spent most of our time there watching the sea otters. There were too many children, but it was fun for a couple hours.

6. Monday night we met up with a couple of David's friends from high school who now live in Chicago. We were in an area that was between Wicker Park and Ukrainian Village (if I remember what they said, exactly). We went to an awesome bar called High Dive, which had a juke box so good it made David angry not every jukebox is the same; and gorgeous indie show art prints all over the walls which made me angry I couldn't own them all. I had a nice chat with the manager about where he got some of them, and the more rare ones. Afterwards we went to a good bar called Happy Village, which was a sort of cross between Double Wide (ambience) and the Waltham Tavern (smell).

7. We saw bats flying around above the river! They must live under the bridges. Anyone know about bats in Chicago? They must get awfully cold under there in the winter.

8. We satisfied our need for touristy cheese by having a beer at the Navy Pier Beer Garden. As we drank we watched a band play Rusted Root covers whilst teenagers and a 50+ crowd danced themselves silly. We could not bring ourselves to eat at Bubba Gump Shrimp - we can tolerate some cheese, but not too much all at once, thank you.

Wedding wrap-up, and on weddings.

What more to say about the wedding? After the ceremony, we just enjoyed ourselves; luxuriating in the presence of people who went out of their way to come to see us be married. And photos, countless photos. By the time the ceremony was over the sun was down enough that the temperature was very pleasant. I felt at the time that I was very much in the moment, but now that I'm typing about the post-ceremony it seems a little bit of a blur.

While I definitely feel that I was a relaxed and laid-back bride, I completely underestimated how much time it takes to say hello and thank everyone who was there. I had these images in my mind of going to get food and drink after the ceremony, taking it back to a picnic blanket with some of my friends, shooting the shit, saying hello to people as they passed by. But of course, when you are one of the people getting married, people don't just PASS BY. They stop and engage, which of course they should and I wanted! But the next two hours were completely taken up by talking with different people, and I never got a bite to eat or a moment to sit.

Before the sun went completely down, we had a toasting session, where David & I toasted our parents and friends and each other. And different people came up to toast us, which was touching and wonderful. I am SO GLAD we did this, and I'm only sorry that we were running about a half-hour behind because we had to cut it short. I totally don't think Kim & Jill would have minded us being later to Double Wide, but we hadn't planned on being at David's grandmother's after dark so I worried about people tripping and such once the sun went down. But this was one of my favorite parts. I wish I had thought to continue it for a bit at Double Wide.

We left amidst a hail of birdseed (I can't say I was too into that part, and I hadn't been warned, though everyone else seemed to enjoy it... you can't IMAGINE how much of it ended up in my dress and caked into my already fairly laquered hair (in fact, I'm still finding it all around the house)) in our wildly decorated car. This car-decorating is a tradition in David's family, and they attack this project with great gusto! It was pretty cute.

After that, Double Wide. What can I say? It was an awesome party. PPT was great as usual, but the real hit was karaoke. David & I had a first duet to "Islands in the Stream". And then it was just awesomeness after awesomeness. "Don't Stop Believing" as sung by Isaiah was a smash hit, with everyone singing their hearts out and dancing along. Kim and company did an amazing job decorating. It was just so us, and so perfect. We partied until we had to leave, and then went back to my sister's for a little more, but by that stage we were exhausted, and were just holding on to the vibe. But the good times were over, and we collapased when we got home.

BIG SUCCESS. And I was really proud of us, and my organizational skillz. I definitely want to sit down and think through what i would have done differently so as to help any upcoming weddings, but generally there wasn't much I would have done differently.

The only funny thing is that i was SO EXCITED about having a grill and grilling corn on the cob. We got 150 ears of corn and rented a big grill. The day of? I forgot to put someone in charge of that. Yeah. So, grill was never lit, and I didn't notice until the next day we still had 150 ears of corn. Nice. So the week following was spent grilling corn, chopping corn, freezing corn, and making corn stock. If you need corn, we have it.

What else? The only time I got stressed was during the getting ready phase. My friend Meredith did my hair and my friend Holly did my make-up. I must stress that they did an EXCELLENT job - you can tell by looking at the photos. But I am just not a Sit & Let People Pretty Me Up sort of person. At first I was going to do these things myself, but then I thought it would be relaxing to have other people do it. It really wasn't for me though. I was just far too involved with set-up, etc to sit there for an hour. I was getting extremely antsy and a bit snappy. It didn't last long, but I definitely was frustrated. I can't complain too much because they did great, but if I had to do it again I definitely would have scheduled it differently.

My main suggestion to you upcoming brides is to really consider and remember what is important about this day: it is that you are marrying the person who will be your partner the rest of your life. The ceremony, the toasting, the visiting - THESE are the important parts. Secondarily important is drink and food (not WHAT you serve, just that there is some). After that, make sure there are plenty of people taking photos and video. We still, two weeks later, can't get enough of looking at our photos and the few little videos. I was dismissive about video-taking before, but turns out when it is one of your favorite days they are sort of fun to watch.

Also read this really interesting interview: http://indiebride.com/interviews/mead/index.html

This is what I can say about all the other stuffs:

Do NOT get caught up in colors and bridemaid dresses and ribbons and programs and all the extraneous bullshit the Wedding Industry tells you that you HAVE to pay attention to or you are a bad person and your marriage will fall apart. It's so stupid.

I throw away every wedding invitation I receive (well, most - I still have Annie & Dab's). Sorry, everyone, but I just don't have the room and I don't get sentimental about pieces of paper. Probably 80% of your guests feel the same. I LOVED my invites (yay, Dab!), but I wasn't about to spend a ton of money that I'd rather spend on booze & food - especially when I knew most of them would end up in the recycling. So think about that carefully, if you haven't done them yet.

We didn't go overboard on decorations, and it still was magical and wonderful. One of my awesome bridesmaids made most of those tissue paper pom-poms. She probably spent $100 on tissue and took time out of her busy life to do it as a gift to us, but they were really simple, and they looked AWESOME. Me & Jennifer made table runners out of about $100 worth of material. Kat sent me paper cranes as a gift for stringing! Think big picture, not tiny details. No weird chair swags or expensive centerpieces. Not that there is anything wrong with centerpieces if you want them (Leslee & Josh did lovely simple ones with branches and paper flowers) but don't get all worked up about it. No one goes home after watching you commit your life to another person and says "I hated the centerpieces!".

I am admittedly very very weird about even suggesting to people what they should wear, or giving an opinion on an outfit, so it probably isn't surprising that I would eschew the bridesmaid dress tradition. But I also think asking people who are supposed to be your best friends to wear something expensive that they may not like just because it is a certain color is not being a good friend. In that vein, don't bankrupt yourself over your dress. Get something you feel pretty and comfortable in, of course, but seriously - would you rather have a big ol' white dress that will only hang in your closet forever, or a plane ticket to a Mexican beach? I know which I'd rather choose, which is why I got a $250 dress that I can dye and wear again on said beach in Mexico.

It is a big day and it is special TO you but it really isn't all ABOUT you. It's about the community of people that you need to support you, and pulling them into your love and life and saying WE NEED AND APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT IN THIS. So remember to be giving, loving, and most importantly, FORGIVING in your planning and celebrating. I wasn't perfect, but I tried my best.

Despite what I just said about it not really being about you, remember that it is YOUR wedding and it's ok to want it the way YOU want it. Definitely pick your battles (I wasn't crazy about carrying a bouquet, but my mother really wanted to make me one, so I did), but don't be shy about telling people firmly NO THANKS. If you don't want to walk down the aisle with your father because you are 34 years old and haven't been his to give away since you were six, then don't. Hell, if you want to walk down a non-aisle before your bridal party, then do it! If God is not invited to your wedding, be firm with people involved about not making references.

On the other hand, remember that people are offering you a lot of things, and sometimes it is better to be gracious and accept them than hurt anyone's feelings. And if they are giving, be willing to let them own it if they want to and not attach any strings. David's parents offered us the rehearsal dinner, and I was happy to let them plan it so I could concentrate on other stuff. Fortunately I liked everything they planned, but I made a choice: I decided that even if I didn't like it all, it was ok because it didn't change the fact I would be marrying their son the next day and all my best friends were going to be there. Like I said, pick the battles, but keep the war strategy in mind.

Lastly, don't listen to my advice. It may not be right for you. You may just be CRAZY about COOL INVITATIONS and AWESOME CENTERPIECES, and that's OK! But the more you can keep the big picture in mind - that it's the MARRIAGE that's the thing, and being surrounded by friends and family that you love and who love you - the less stress and more joy you will feel - THAT I promise.

Ceremony.

Bah! I forgot another totally sweet wedding blog link here.

After the fantastic reading of I Like You by the wedding party, Davey & I each agreed to the following pledge as posed to us by Josh:

Ash/Davey, will you take (the other one) in a growing marriage relationship? Will you be partners in life so that together you will meet every situation of life - the peaceful and the chaotic, the routine and the exciting, the sorrowful and the joyful, the threatening and the inviting? Will you love (him/her), affirm (him/her), and commit yourself to (him/her) in marriage from this day forward, forever and always?

Obviously, we each agreed to this. Then we made a short statement to each other, and despite every thought I had about what I was going to say at that moment, it all just blew away and I ended up saying something about he was the only person I ever considered marrying as he's the only person I have loved so profoundly. And he said something about me being awesome or something. I admit, that part of the ceremony was a little bit of a blur. I guess I was just too excited to fully concentrate.

Then we gave our vows. We decided to keep them on note cards instead of memorizing them. This was a good choice for us. I honestly don't know when we would have memorized them, and we weren't into the whole repeating-after-Josh idea. If you know the reference in the first line you get extra friendship points! And if you don't, that's ok. We only heard about 4 people laugh at it.

I am prideful and honorable to take you to be my wife/husband. I promise to share with you all of myself. I promise to be your advocate; your constant friend; and your faithful companion.

I promise to respect you truly: as an individual, as my partner, and as my equal. I promise to support and encourage your interests, desires and aspirations, and to accept your support and encouragement of my own.

I promise to cultivate our friendship while preserving time and space for our friendships with others.

I promise to celebrate your successes and mourn your losses as if they were my own.

I promise to delight in the laughter, take serious the important, and imagine the profound.

I promise to live in truth with you, to communicate fully and fearlessly. I promise to live consciously, deliberately, and as a better person than the day before so that our life together will be rich and that we might make even a small difference in this world.

I promise to grow with you and continue loving as we grow, to face changes and challenges with you, to overcome obstacles with you, to enjoy contentment with you.

I promise to love and support you when it's easy and when it's not; in good times and bad, completely and forever. I promise you my unconditional love forever and ever.

We got a LOT of compliments on our vows. But they are not completely original, so we can't take the credit. I found lots of different vow examples on the interweb, and one day we took them all to Old Monk and sat outside with beers and fit together all the parts we liked best. Since we took them from communal spaces, I want to put our version out there and add back to the communal property. So for those who are getting married and these speak to you, help yourself to any or all of them. I like the idea that some of these words are connecting people all over the place in their pledges to their loved ones.

In the end, I didn't cry during the vows. I think I was just too excited about them. I was giddy. I did get teary during the reading by the bridal party, and a little bit during our final statement/reading by Josh:

Ashlee and David every day bear witness that healthy and strong relationships do not necessarily need to be defined by the institution of marriage. That being said, Ashlee and David wish to publicly take this opportunity to acknowledge and celebrate their love for each other through marriage. They are keenly aware that not all of their loved ones are granted this seemingly basic right. With this in mind, Ashlee and David asked me to read the following written by Margaret Marshall from the 2003 Massachusetts supreme court decision on same-sex marriage.:

"Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support. Marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family. Because it fulfills yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, the decision whether and whom to marry is among life's momentous acts of self-definition. It is undoubtedly for these reasons, as well as for its intimately personal significance, that civil marriage has long been termed a 'civil right'. Without the right to marry, one is excluded from the full range of human experience."

And then that was that! We kissed and started to party.

So, yes. I had to have eight of my closest with me that day, and to be honest I really wanted a couple more. And mostly I just wanted them around ALL THE TIME. Not that we had to have a special excuse, but being a bridesmaid DOES give you a very special excuse should it be necessary. Also, they were REALLY GOOD at the reading and decorating.

There are some good web recounts of the wedding from awesome friends: here, here, here, here, and here (this one made me cry!).

OK, you are going to get this wedding business for 2-3 more days from me as I work it out of my system, then we are off to Chicago for a long weekend and THEREAFTER things return to some semblance of Ashbloem-ness on this blog. I'm not even sure what that is anymore, but I think four days of biking on Lake Michigan, visiting the Field, having drinks with Jenny, and not being at a computer will help me figure it out.