Sometimes it is harder than I thought it would be.

Today was a hard day. It was good too, in some ways. I was a mom all day - helping hurts, giving hugs, trying to keep myself from being too protective, letting them learn their own lessons. I let one cry and took them both to Oktoberfest to cheer them up. After it all, I dropped them off at my sister's, where they are currently living, and I came home feeling tired and vulnerable and generally sensitive after staying upbeat and level-headed all day. I came home to pack and when I walked in the door - I don't know why - I suddenly remembered I missed the one-year mark of putting Marley down.  And the tears just came. I feel terrible about forgetting that little guy for even a little bit; terrible that I'm not a good 'mom' and I can't take the girls' homesickness away. I feel so helpless. I couldn't help that poor little cat. I can't make everything wonderful for these girls.

Maybe I don't have it in me to be a mom after all. It's such an emotional ass-kicking. Maybe I'm not as good at letting things go as I thought. I don't know how people do this for the rest of their lives. Maybe I should just stick to leading tours, when I only have them ten days.

And poor Marley. I miss his little tongue.

Comments

[lauren ahkiam]

this month marks a year from losing my kitty too, while i was traveling with friends, which was awful and wrenching. at the time, i remembered your post when you lost marley, and it really helped me to know that someone else felt so close to their little kitty, that someone else could understand how i felt. so much hugs to you from out here, and to the new kitties that are now deeply loved by you and david. and i'm sure marley could tell how much you loved him!

i think that you being worried about loving a kid too deeply is a good sign that you should be a mom. it would be far more worrisome if you weren't tender-hearted.

[Heather Hawke]

Hi doll, sorry you've been feeling so blue. It's hard to be a teenager AND be far from home. They'll get through it and one day look back and thank their lucky stars they had this opportunity. We all did! When you question your ability to be a mommy, look at the photo from your Sept. 18th post. You single handedly got that child to stop crying just by holding him. He sensed he was safe and was in awe of you! I saw it and it cracked me up at the time but is a huge sign you've got it in ya to be a fab mommy one day. Miss ya! XO- H