Ashbloemstraat

Ocht. Sju. Kuusi.

I wish I could tell you fun stories from the past few days, but it has just been prep and whatnot. Taking things to his grandma's house; trying to clean ours little by little. Friday I DID call in sick and slept until 2pm or something - which is a remarkable time for me to sleep and NOT be out the night before. I desperately needed it; I have felt like a new person since. Still feel bad for calling in sick right as they gave me a job offer, but it is what it is, and I obviously needed a good 14 hours sleep.

Generally, though, things are still going fine and while I am sure the 48 hours before the wedding will have their own special brand of craziness we really have everything under control. I did, however, have my first two wedding anxiety dreams last night  (I had one, woke up, went back to sleep, then had another). So I guess there is some underlying anxiety after all. The first one was about money & payment, and the second about the ceremony going as planned - and those seem pretty reasonable things to be nervous about, so I don't feel too bad.

And we managed to go out last night - first to my friends COB & Doug's party, then to the Double Wide, where we had to drop off some decorations anyway. COB & Doug E. Fresh were having an 80s theme party, and while we didn't have time to get all decked out, I did try a "perm" with teal eyeshadow. It worked, I thought.

So anyway. Clearly not too stressed or I wouldn't be prancing about to parties the week before the wedding, wot?

I do have to clean the kitchen & office though. Rest of the house in pretty good order. Also I have to try on my dress and hope I didn't gain so much as ONE POUND since February, since it fit just perfect then. That's possibly the biggest worry.

Tonight is David's bachelor party. I hope he is having fun. He was nervous about it, because he knew they were planning to go to a strip club, and he'll probably be bought a lap dance, and I'm not so so keen on the Texas limitations or lack thereof in lap dancing. I don't want to be THAT GIRLFRIEND, and as though it really matters, since I'm marrying the boy, but still. It's a little - er, close here. I also feel mildly irritated with some of his friends here, as I have been trying to set the groomsfolk who live here up with ideas and phone numbers and all sorts of scenarios I knew he would enjoy for a stag night do which don't necessarily involve him coming home smelling like a stripper's nether regions. But they are all so damn disorganized that they never got anything together, and in the end someone out of left field organized this night on her own. I should have known to rely on her, so I'm mostly annoyed with myself, but you'd think the actual groompersons would get their act together for their good friend's one and only ever bachelor party.

Oh well. I should do this shit for a living. Truth is some people just aren't very good at it. Which also probably explains why I'm not too stressed. I've boiled all this business down to the important parts, got rid of the extraneous, and remained super organized. Easy.

Catorce.

Every time I listen to Mates of State I want David and I to form a band and sing love songs to each other while we tour with our young children.

Making more progress in the kitchen. I know it doesn't look like much but since we've seen the progress firsthand it is pretty exciting.

Tested the sound system today for the wedding. It's remarkable and wonderful and I ran down the lawn in delight. Weather continues to look good, if perhaps warm, so if you are reading this and coming to the wedding, please note that cooling clothing is recommended.

David and I are finding ourselves very emotional these days. I'm just so overwhelmed with emotion about all of this. I question if I can succeed, yes, but usually I just think life works in wonderful, simple ways. Which is different from my previous view that life works in wonderful, complicated ways. But it is an important and altering difference.

Sorry so perfunctory; I am all reflection and no output today.

Licensed!

We are licensed! That was a fun afternoon, involving a sweet records clerk, free nachos and cheap beer, and drinks with Zeebah. But I'll have to write about it all tomorrow, because it is late, I worked on the kitchen and the yard all day, and I am tired.

Showering.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Lingerie showers are awesome.

Here on this blog I have rather publicly aired my discomfort regarding wedding gifts and showers and registering and all that business. It just seemed so selfish and I am really bad with accepting gifts without having one to give in return. Anyway, my friends and family finally convinced us that registering is the way to go, since people WILL give us gifts, so we better just make sure they are what we want (and they are right, even after registering we have received items NOT on the registry, so I can only imagine what would have happened by now if we hadn't).

So anyway, I'd been asked about showers and while I felt super uncomfortable about them, I agreed because I did not want to offend anyone who wanted to do something so nice for me (Sister! Mother! Soon to be MIL!). My first one was Saturday and it was a lingerie theme and I wasn't sure how I would feel opening all these gifts but I was looking forward to drinking a bunch of wine with the girls.

You guys: it was so much fun. We had tons of food & so much wine. We played a couple silly games and just chit-chatted. And the gifts! I am so impressed with my friends; they picked out just lovely stuff. Of course, I love sexy lingerie and underwears anyway, so in all honesty I wasn't going to be hard to buy for, but it was even better than I thought it might be! I have, like, two weeks worth of naughty and delightful items to tease David with. It almost makes me wish we WERE taking a traditional honeymoon. Oh well - these items will seem even more naughty when I wear them at Machu Picchu or something.

Apparently it is bad luck to wear them before the wedding but it is going to be very hard to resist. I think I'll at least try them on, though, away from David, despite the fact he's pretty keen to check them out.

And I did feel sort of uncomfortable with the first couple gifts, but the wine helped, and everyone was so clearly happy for me, that I just sort of relaxed into the whole thing and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I know some really lovely girls here - sometimes I feel it has been hard to make friends in Dallas, but Saturday I realized I have done really well on that front, actually.

Thanks, ladies. You are the best.

SUPER BACHELORETTE FUN TIME!

So, I feel the above photo, while only catching three of us in action when there were actually six, actually boils down the weekend pretty well in terms of percentages. So say, the three of us and two bottles makes 1/5th each of the weekend symbolically. So there was 40% karaoke, 20% accomplishing wedding type things, and 100% drunkenness because AW YEAH! We got three drunk people and two empty bottles to make 100% CONSUMED ALCOHOL, PEOPLE! (Warning: My math may be flawed.)

Anyway, can I tell you how much I love these friends? And while, ostensibly, the weekend was a celebration of my upcoming nuptials, there was some element when I came home of OH NOES! I DON'T WANT NO BOYS! NEED MY LADIES! Which OF COURSE is very dramatic - I love David very much and once I got to DFW we made out mightily, but HELLS I did NOT want to leave our little cozy get together. Just making pom-pom decorations for the wedding and singing karaoke and eating Dabney's amazing Ethiopian cooking in perpetuity. It was like a crafty camp-out.

I guess part of me is happy just being my single self and I miss that life. I really dig being in control of my own shit and moving at the pace I like and fucking getting together with the girls and knocking our own brains out of their regular beats and witnessing how our corpus callosa outperform when we are together. We flow from crunching together pom-poms to discussing the mathematics of how Hillary will not win the nomination pretty fucking effortlessly. And I so so so miss it. Everything feels a little one-dimensional once I come home.

Anyway, Friday I got in late, so we went immediately to the DeLux, where peoples converged and we had drinks before we went back around the corner to Annie & Dab's and I put on my veil and was fed almonds while others sang karaoke. Maybe I did too, but I JUST DONT REMEMBER.

Saturday we had a really good day of brunch and coffee and procuring the last things we needed for the invites, and the girls got me a MAKEUP CONSULTATION and a nice little Sephora gift card; then we went to the apartment for the rest of the night and made pom-poms and stuffed the invites and ate the amazing Ethiopian food Dabney made. And, yes, got drunk and sang karaoke. And played with Mac Photobooth.

I am quite sure my version of "We Built this City on Rock and Roll" was the finest ever sung in the apartment.

So I feel pretty loved and special and all that stuff. I also kept in mind that since Annie & Dab are moving to St. Louis that would be the last I was in the apartment, at least for some time. And while I do not like to hold on to those kind of things too much, I couldn't help it, and I still can't help but be somewhat sentimental about it, being such an important part of my life. Certainly the place ITSELF is not important the way the girls are, and whether they are in St. Louis or Boston or Timbuktu I will always be connected to how profoundly meaningful they are to me... but there is something special about that little place. It will remain treasured. So in some ways that became the more touching part of the weekend for me.

But don't you worry. I'm still pretty excited about David and all that.

IN CONCLUSION: Thanks, ladies. You are one special group. I think I did a pretty good job picking out my Grand Dames of Awesomeness. It wouldn't be the same if a single one of you was missing. So I'm glad I'll be seeing you all in one large group all together.

Big special thanks to Jenny, Carrrrrmen, Will, Ron, Geb, and JenT. for coming out Friday. It was so nice to be with you again.

(Oh Jenny, you are a well-loved girl.)

So tired.

Oh, it was a great weekend, and I had dreams of loading up photos and regaling you with stories, but I kept busy all the live-long day and now am much too tired. But I will be back tomorrow.

In summation, however, I have lovely friends that I miss very much right now. It was a really special weekend; what a treat to get everyone together. I'm even more excited about the wedding now, because I'll get to be with all these girls en masse once again.

Also we got the wedding invites out the door (well, almost - we ran out of envelopes, but the number we were short corresponded almost exactly with the number of persons for whom I had not procured an address yet... about 15 or so - but most people should receive invites by the end of the week, I should think)! That felt very official. I guess there is no turning back now.

(Not that I want to, mind you. It's just a little crazy to think about. Or I guess I'm just tired. Off to bed.)

Opinion poll.

It is always right when I think I'm going to get up from the computer that Ernie jumps into my lap and settles into a nap just as cozy as you please, even if he had just been tearing around like a maniac with Ronnie the Bear only minutes before. Sigh. Now I CAN'T move.

ISSUE ONE (in my best John McLaughlin voice)! What are your thoughts on post-marriage name change? Part of me thinks a hyphenated surname would be nice; sort of like marking the moment when we become a new family unit of our own. Realistically, however, I think I'm just too damn lazy to go through the rigmarole to have it done.  I hate bureaucracy,  and the pay-off seems more symbolic than tangible.

Plus I'm sort of used to mine. I've had it for more than 34 years now. And I wouldn't change outright because I'm used to the three syllable rhythm. Going to only two will make me feel like I'm in a constant state of incompletion. So for me I will either keep mine or add David's on.

For those who chose to change (either completely or hyphenate), why did you? Same question for those who didn't.

ISSUE TWO! Actually, there isn't an issue two. I just can't stop thinking about the McLaughlin Group.

Hey, does anyone watch Bill Moyers' show on PBS on Friday nights? I've caught a couple of them and...boy. If you want something to make you feel helpless in the face of general governmental ineptitude, that's the show for you.

EDIT: Ooo! We just got our wedding bands in the mail! How very exciting! They are lovely and simple; just what we wanted. I'm wearing mine around right now!

I may not be perfect.

Yesterday I had a little breakdown. Just a little one. Suddenly the stress of being the one in charge of everything on the home front got to me. Now, mind you, I have been doing everything with much cheer these past several weeks, and I appreciate and love David so much for working as much as he has. He has really stepped up and filled in while I have not been working, and though I made a small salary for the tour he certainly has been the breadwinner the past couple of months. In return, I have been trying to be a good house mate, doing laundry and cleaning and cooking and taking care of the pets and all those sorts of things. I mean, he's never around to do it, and he's pulling his weight on a different front anyway.

Yesterday, however, I just felt crushed by it all. Everywhere I looked there was a pile of laundry to be folded or washed. A litterbox to be cleaned. Papers to shred. Floors to swiffer. Dishes to clean. On top of all this, trying to get out five resumes a day, and that takes some time. And the wedding! Let's not forget we have a wedding, which as of yesterday we still needed a rehearsal dinner space for AND we found out the place where we have been planning (for the past year!) to have our after-party was shut down.

Oh yes. It was not a good day. David woke up to find me boo-hooing a bit and then once I went through everything he felt stressed too and we both spent the day wound up in an un-fun way. Not fighting or anything, but certainly not enjoying life. And I thought - I'm hiring a maid as soon as I get a job again; I'm giving away at least two cats; and goddamn it, eloping sounds pretty sweet right now.

And then I thought - no, I really do not want to do it this way. I want to have fun and enjoy this time. I'll only be getting married once (I hope...).

So. The house is just going to have to be sort of messy for a while. I'll work my way through it. The cats I really can't do much about. They are too many but I love them too much and I'll just go back to the better, expensive litter which lasts a long time when I get a job. And the wedding is going to be great no matter what because we are excited to be getting married and sharing it with all our good friends! I just CAN'T DO IT ALL AND DO IT WELL. I admit my shortcomings.

And today it all got better as soon as we relaxed into it.

Today we confirmed a rehearsal dinner place. And our wonderful friends at Doublewide said they would happily let us after party there. We found our wedding rings. The invites look great. And I'm going to sew tablerunners, but I am going to let a lot of other things go.  The ceremony is in David's grandmother's BEAUTIFUL back lawn, and it just doesn't need much more than all the beautiful trees and flowers that will be there. Anyway I have purchased bits and pieces over the past few months - ribbons and material and paper lanterns and Kat! has sent me paper cranes in addition to the ones I have made and well HELL. It's all pretty much DECORATED ALREADY, ain't it?

So I'm just going to breathe, and relax, and stop fighting it, and be a fucking BRIDE already, ok? I only get this ONE TIME! So the next 2.5 months on this blog might be a bit wedding-centric, but I suppose you will deal with it or decide to come back after it's all over.

Yeah. You are a grown-up; you can decide what is best for you, too.

The wind and snow have swept away all the fears for now.

There is something refreshing about being at the end of the world with some very good friends - well, at least, one end of a continent, staring out to Europe - and I feel more open and clear and certainly more inspired upon my return home.

Got in late last night, and this morning have resolved myself to do a couple niggling errands that have been hanging there, begging to be finished the past couple weeks. I have been very bad with my emails as of late, and I will catch up on those this week. So please, if you have written me anything in the past month, I can only apologize and say replies are forthcoming.

It was fun to sit around with everyone and discuss wedding plans. I have definitely been keeping my mouth shut about it because I do not want to be one of THOSE BRIDES; but still, it is more like the biggest and best party I've ever thrown, so I WANT to talk about it! The outlet was well-needed. I feel some ideas flowing that I'd been damming a bit, and after discussions with Dab about the invitation I sketched out a few ideas I need to scan and send her. Dabney is a crack designer; I love her simple, mod, ever so slightly Japanese-y style, so I'm so excited to see what she will come up with. I'm refusing to allow myself to get TOO caught up in the invites and programs, as I know most people just throw them away (guilty!), but I do want them to reflect what we are going for on that day. And I'm sure we'll frame one or something goofy like that.

Last night I dreamed I was in a crashing plane. That one could not be more obvious, but I'm going to ignore those feelings of anxiety. I'm in too good a mood today.

Off to accomplish some things OFF-LINE. Back with more on Wellfleet and Boston and the lovely people in my life later. Oh yes, and also: my non-adventures in Dallas rail.

Wedding dress.

So today I decided to just go and poke around at some dresses and I am pretty sure I found the perfect dress.

Trying on the big, long, formal ones was really weird. They felt so strange. I did find one long formal one that was beautiful and flattering, but I don't know. It feels like it would be weird at a garden wedding. But it is in the evening. But it doesn't really feel like ME either.

I also tried on a simple Greek-goddess style flowing dress with a halter top. It was lovely, but it was like HEY! LOOK AT MY HUGE KNOCKERS! I decided as pretty as it was, it probably is not the look I will be going for at my wedding. You know. The Titty City look.

Does one ask their groom-to-be about these things, or does that spoil the fun for him? I'm torn.