Ashbloemstraat

Grey and cool.

Clouds have rolled into Dallas today, dark and grey and autumnal. I like that in my current office there is a large expanse of window that faces to the northwest. The clouds can be seen looming into the far distance. It looks as though it will be chilly outside, but as this is Texas I am sure I will step out and it will still be about 70 degrees. Which is nice, of course, but not the October weather I am most used to.

I went to a lovely little spa yesterday and had a really relaxing time. And you know if a waxing appointment is relaxing it has to be pretty good, because yanking one's hair out is rarely considered soothing. My aesthetician was really nice and we waxed nostalgic (hah!) for northeastern autumns (she is from Long Island). It was a pleasant little place. I realized it had been ages since I did anything nice like that for myself - you know, extras like facials, massages, spa treatments, etc. - and I resolved that I am going to go for one treatment a month. Even if it is something small. I deserve it after these past two crazy years of Dallas living.

Two years. Wow.

The job offer seems to be on hold, because no one has gotten back to me on my counter-offer. This is a good thing, really. It's given me some time to gain some perspective on it. I still believe I will change if they meet my counter, but I'm not feeling all stressed out about it either way anymore. My job is currently very challenging without being overwhelming and I'll be happy to stay if they don't come back with a positive. And if they do, then that's cool too, and I think my boss will understand my position.

We are having Josh and Leslee as our very first dinner guests next week. That is pretty exciting. Finally, Ashbloem the entertainer returns!

The kittens are at the house. The 15 minute car ride between the houses proved to be the most stressful part of the journey. Gus and Tugboat seem disappointed in their appearance. I think they thought they were getting a new life sans kittens.

Off to see Davey for a little bit at Double Wide. Then off to finish the bookshelves. Yay.

I love books.

I am so happy. Tonight David has off work, and I have no commitment with the girls. We are going to go on a date, then put together our new bookshelves.

I know this probably does not sound overly romantic, but once the shelves are up the office is finished. And having all our books unpacked and within easy reach sounds pretty romantic to me.

Just a note.

I really don't have time for more.

We had the internest hooked up this evening at the new place so I think more regular updates are imminent. On the other hand, my life is just a whirlwind. I am not used to it, and frankly not handling it well. I'm used to distinct boundaries on Me Time, and generally great expanses of it. I do not do well with too many obligations, to be frank.

The move + the girls + a very busy time at work has put way too much on my mental plate. I had been pretty gung-ho about having a baby, but this experience has changed everything. Frankly, I don't think I will handle it well at all. Not to say we won't have one - but I think more and more it will be ONE and I will wait as long as I can. I do NOT do well with a.) creatures NEEDING me; and b.) the constant patience it requires; and c.) the time constraints it puts on Davey's & my time together. We haven't had sex in about ten days and I start getting exceedingly grumpy when it has been that long.

I have also found it too difficult to do anything for myself. I got my hair done but that's about all I have managed in the past two months. Finally I made a booking for a bikini wax tomorrow. That's been a billion years. David says he digs playing 70s pornstars but I'm thinking I would like a little something more modern.

Anyway, I think the move part is really, honestly, almost over. We have to paint the old kitchen and do up the girls' room at the new house, but those are the only two major projects. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

For all friends I have woefully neglected, either online or off, please forgive me. I think once the end of November rolls around I will be a new person. My brain really will not allow for much more at this stage.

The kitchen is organized and cozy. Gus & Tugboat are here and I will move Ernie & Ronnie the Bear tomorrow. That will make it more home too. I seriously have a vision of what life will look like by this time next month and that is what is driving me though this very busy time.

Someone give me a Klonopin and an E at the end of November and I'll be fine.

Moving.

I love my husband very much. I revere and protect our relationship to the point of sacredness, and as an atheist you KNOW I don't consider much sacred. We both are very good at communicating our frustrations with each other, and rarely have fights. We both are careful to be thoughtful with the other and like to keep dates and sexy time regular and fun. All in all, we are a GREAT TEAM.

But there is one thing that seems to split us completely, and all connection breaks down. MOVING.

For the love of god. This is the second move I have had with David, and I am pretty convinced that should we do it again I will just set aside a couple grand simply to have people come in, box everything up for us, and get it all done with minimal work from the two of us. That is money I have until now not been interested in spending, but for the SAKE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP it will be necessary in the future.

Not counting moving to college, and all the requisite shuffling around that comes with that (different dorms, different summer apartments, etc.), I have moved 10 times now. TEN. Maybe even more, now that I think about it. In addition to the multitude of times I have done this, I am also project oriented. This means that when it comes to moves, I am experienced, methodical, and thorough. I have a system and I am very, very, very good at moving.

David is not. And delegating seems to not work, so my project management skills are useless. I will leave him with simple instructions (e.g. "PACK YOUR CLOTHES"), and when I come home he has managed to eat lunch.

It makes for some trying times, I tell you.

Boring update.

We do not have our internet up at the new house yet, so I can only do random updates between work projects, trainings, and corresponding with possible new employers during the day. Sorry it has been so boring around here these days.

The house is moving right along. The front room, kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom are totally unpacked (if not organized). I am a machine when it comes to unpacking. A MACHINE, I tell you. I also went to the old house and got the rest of my clothes. Now I pretty much just have to get my shoes, some junk in the kitchen, and that's it. I would LOVE to go finish some of it tonight, but I told our girls I would take them to the Fair for half-price ride night. I don't much feel like it right now, but I'm sure once I get on a couple spinning terror rides I will be just fine.

Weird thing I discovered while packing/unpacking: before the wedding, we had about 10 placemats and napkins. Now we seem to have enough for a dinner party of 100 million. Not sure how that happened, but I guess we'll get on that dinner party planning as soon as the last of the house is unpacked so we can put it all to good use. Speaking of parties, we are tentatively planning a housewarming/David's birthday party for the weekend of November 14. Mark it now; we'll confirm exact day/time/etc.

Last night we went to parent-teacher conference night at the high school. We felt pretty silly. Teachers seemed to think we were either really brave or totally crazy to take in two teenagers in our first six months of being married. I think it is probably a little of both. They are doing generally really well in their classes though, so I was relieved to see that. Miss V had been having such a hard first three weeks that I was a little afraid her grades would be affected. Luckily, it is not the case. They are well liked and by all the teachers' accounts adjusting really well.

No official word on the job yet. The person I need to speak with was not in the office today, so looks like the excitement/torture will be extended by at least one day, if not several. The good news is that the excitement of the new job is starting to outweigh the anxiety I feel about giving my notice, so maybe in a couple days I'll be more cool-headed about the whole thing. I mean, I can APPEAR cool-headed about the whole thing, but I'd rather feel it as well. Makes it easier.

I'm pretty excited too, because this year I will be an Art Conspiracy artist! Yay. I haven't painted regularly since I left Amsterdam, so I'd better dust off my brushes and start practicing on some ideas. I keep wanting to paint Ernie's freaky mitten paws, but we'll just see what I come up with. Fortunately my brain is pretty crazy right now so hopefully something good will make its way into my fingers.

Further update on jobby job job stuff.

It's been a crazy week and a half for the Ashbloem-Davey household, but MOSTLY crazy just for Ashbloem. We have moved into the new place, after a couple weeks of hair-pulling and pleading with David to get his shit together. In the end, we got just about everything out except for some kitchen stuff, my clothes, and a bunch of junk of David's he had crammed in his closet. But we'll move all that out over this week so hopefully by next weekend that house will be totally empty, and we can be done with it. I just want it over.

I love the new place now. The smell is fading for sure, and while I can't do much about the bathroom, I also think it isn't as bad as I originally thought, and once I hang our towels and art and hooks and whatever else I'm sure it will be fine. I might not even paint it. We shall see. Anyway, the very first morning I woke up in the house (Sunday) and walked down the street for a bagel was enough to convince me that despite its weak points, it is better than our old house in every way.

Last Tuesday night I was flown to Boston to discuss the job offer, and Wednesday night I flew right back. The offer was swift. I have made many a pro & con list, but they all sort of equal out. I think I will have to go with my gut on this one, though it also depends on what they say to my counter-offer. If they accept, I will change jobs (and will face the task I am dreading most, telling my current awesome boss I am leaving). If they don't accept, at least I know I have a job I am happy in. It is causing me great anxiety, it is true, but it is a good problem to have, and I keep telling myself this over and over.

By the way, the interview was in Boston at the corporate headquarters, but the position would be Dallas based. I would rent a local office space - hopefully one I could walk or bike to. So that's pretty nice.

I can't believe after being so unhappy in my job last year I have TWO great opportunities. When it rains, it pours, huh?

Surely this headline is a joke: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/13/movies/13box.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Choices.

I am struggling with this new job offer. Sigh. I'm pretty sure I want it, but I a.) have to discuss some details with the new company; and b.) I have to tell my wonderful super boss who JUST gave me a promotion that I'm leaving.

It's a great problem to have, but it still is giving me anxiety.

Photos from that Christmas 2005, Meridian Room.

Creeping anxiety.

I have been going through a stage of uncommon anxiety. Twice this week I have needed to stop the car before getting to my destination to just close my eyes and take some deep breaths. I've completely lost my appetite the past couple of days (however, I also think I've lost a couple pounds, so I'm not going to complain about this particular side effect). During the VP debates last night I could hardly keep my breathing under control, so to some degree I might blame my unease on Sarah Palin (did NO ONE notice how condescending she can be?). Last night I did have uneasy dreams about Palin's smarmy face and Joe Biden's blinding teeth, which means I didn't sleep very well. So I'm also just quite tired.

But seriously, I don't know why I am feeling this way. Everything is so good right now.

I think I just need some yoga and a massage.

We have started moving into the new place. I was eager to see if it was as I remembered. There are some disappointments - well, only two, really. One is that the bathroom is smaller and darker than even I remembered it (and I knew it was the house's weak spot), and the landlord did it no favors by painting it a sort of dark pea green. What a terrible choice! But this can be fixed by a lick of paint, so I'll try to do that as soon as possible. It DOES have a lovely old bathtub which I'm anxious to enjoy. I can't do anything about making it bigger, but I can freshen it up so it is relatively pleasant. The second problem is that the previous tenants were smokers, and despite the new paint and replacement blinds, I can still smell it. David says he can't, but I think his nose has been burned by working in bars. But I am sure after a few days of open windows and lovely candles, it will fade. Speaking of open windows, most had been painted shut, and David, my wonderful liefje, went over and got them all open for me when I almost panicked we wouldn't be able to. LOVE! HIM!

Otherwise? It's perfect. It's cute; it doesn't NEED anything; it's within walking distance to Big Buck Safari and Lakewood Landing; it is a nice size. It even comes with its own cat - a little tiny grey & white tabby that lives outside and apparently belonged to the previous tenants. Sort of. I'm excited to get in and close the chapter on the house we are in.

Seriously though. Tight chest. Little dizzy. What the hell?

Meridian Room

I am sad that one of our favorite places, Meridian Room, closed this past weekend.

For those of you who do not know, Meridian Room is where I met David for an innocent drink on Friday, December 23, 2005. David had found my blog (my old one, which is now no longer available online, though I have the exported files from it) after searching for me online. To this day he says he isn't quite sure why he searched for me, except that we had had that fling five Christmases before, and I came to mind, and he was curious about me. I don't think he was planning on falling in love, or even making out with me, considering he had a girlfriend. And I was hanging out with my sister at her house, in my pajamas, and had to force myself out to fulfill the committment I had made to meet him for that one drink to catch up. I knew it would be nice to see him, and I told myself maybe I'd at least get a little fun smooch out of the evening. I had broken up with Pal the year before, and did not want a relationship, but making out with the cute boy from years before seemed like a worthwhile enough reason to get out of my pajamas. I put on my black miniskirt, a plain black long-sleeved t-shirt, my camel suede boots, and my chocolate brown cardigan I had knit for myself just a few weeks prior.

I sat at the very end of the bar, near the door, where the beer taps are. I ordered a Stella. I did not see David. I'm quite sure I was reading something, but I can't remember what. Probably a Dallas Observer. David came in from the back door and saw me first. He looked different than when I last saw him a couple years before - his hair was cut extremely short, and he had facial hair. He was just as cute though.

He sat down with his Maredsous. We chatted a bit. There was nothing in our conversation that would have led me to believe that this was the man I would marry one day. We each ordered a Maker's. And another. Maybe even a third, now that I think about it. Perhaps we were flirting a bit, but not much. I had asked him about whether he had a girlfriend, which he had said he did. I had asked about what she did and what she was like. I was no longer entertaining the idea that we would make out, and that was fine. We were having a nice time just catching up. But I guess Maker's made me a little too loose-lipped.

Me: "Well, I admit, I'm a little disappointed to know now you have a girlfriend." Davey: "Oh?" Me: "Yeah, I sort of thought we might make out." Davey: "Well now I'm disappointed!"

There were smiles and chuckles, but then our knees touched - maybe by accident, maybe not - and I swear to god something electric happened to us, and my heart leaped. There was, within that second, an energy I neither expected nor wanted, but it could not be ignored by either one of us. And that was that. The atoms of our body made a decision for us. And it's exactly what I have felt every day since when I touch him.

I don't know how falling in love works. Whether it is mental, or chemical, or fate, or something else we will never understand. But I know it happened in an instant, at the end of the bar at Meridian Room, when we both least expected it.

Since we moved back, we had gone regularly there for dates, to celebrate us and our luck. Also because they had great food. Once David started working Wednesdays we went much less, but still managed to make it now and again.

We went just a couple weeks ago, unaware the bar was soon to close. We sat in the exact same spots as when we met there three years ago. I am glad we got a visit in, seated in those spots, before it closed for good. Like bookends to the first stages of our relationship.

I've reprinted my original post from that night below. Thanks, Meridian Room. I know nothing lasts forever, but I am really really sad you are gone.

**********

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 10:57:31 -0500 Ashbloem Kissed speechless.

Last night I did something I hadn't done in a long while; a simple pleasure: I made out in a parking lot, leaning up against a car. Only this kiss was unlike any kiss I've had in the past three years; I could feel it in my appendix. I could feel it in my teeth. The blood rushed through the hole in my heart and pressed against my sternum. It peeled the nail polish off my toes and when I pulled away I swear for a minute that I forgot everything and anything existed outside of that kiss. Who was I? Am I supposed to be somewhere? Do I know this person?

A drunken homeless man shuffled past us. "Boooy," he said, "you better marry dat girl if you gonna kiss her like dat."

Spanish fly, oysters, potato, mandrake root: keep them all. I will take a couple glasses of Maker's Mark any day. I am convinced there is no aphrodisiac that compares to it.

And then I got home and found wonderful drunken email which almost did me in completely with joy. I flung myself prostrate on the bed and had to bite my hand I was so happy.

And drunk. I was a little drunk.